Unjust Rewards
by Kitsunia
Summary: It’s the last straw. Alucard’s gone too far and for his punishment Integra forces him to work at a blood drive. Only chaos can ensue, and it gets worse when Integra implements ways of stopping his “drinking problem”. DISCONTINUED
1. Prologue: Punishment

Disclaimer I do not own Hellsing, so you no sue -

An idea that I came up and shared with a friend who thought it was "Lmao. Damn that's funny!" I do hope you like it and I'd appreciate any feedback on the story.

It's an AU, so please don't read it if you don't like them. There's some OOC, but you get that with different plot lines, ne? Plus, it's supposed to be funny and when's Alucard funny? Enjoy!

Summary- It's the last straw. Alucard's gone too far and for his punishment Integra forces him to work at a blood drive. Only chaos can ensue, and it gets worse when Integra implements ways of stopping his "drinking problem".

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Prologue: "Punishment"

"Alucard!" Integra stormed down the dark hallway towards where she knew the snide vampire would be. Rage etched itself in her fair skin and her ice blue eyes shown with a fury unmatched by anything. "Damned abomination! This is the LAST straw!"

As soon as she rounded a corner, the Administrator of Hellsing ran right into the chuckling nightmare. Straightening her glasses, she glared at the creature in front of her. "This is the last of it," she said, pounding her fist into her open palm.

"This is the last of what, my Master," Alucard asked mockingly, his red glinting darkly.

"You know exactly what, Alucard," she spat, crossing her arms. The vampire only looked her, his head tilted. When he didn't say anything, Integra went on, smirking. "I also have an unusual form of punishment, if you will."

Alucard blinked slightly. "And what would that be," he asked, curious.

Integra smiled as if she had thought something clever. "Tomorrow you're going to help with this year's blood drive." She turned, still smiling. "Oh, and you aren't going to be eating any of the people there, is that understood? If I find out that you did-" She let the threat hang and walked away, leaving the shocked vampire behind.

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As soon as Integra made it back to her office, she knew something wasn't right. Quickly opening the door, her rage flared once more as she saw Alucard sitting in her chair, his feet propped up on the table. He grinned evilly at her. "Such a lovely view from here, is it not," he asked, turning away from her. "So much better than where you left me."

Integra walked up, slamming her palms on the desk. "I will not have you mocking me," she said, angrily. "I have given you your orders and I expect them to be carried out! If not, I will have to deal with it in a most unpleasant manner, is that clear?"

Alucard frowned slightly. "Now, whose "unpleasant manner" would that be? Keep in mind. . .your unpleasantness and mine are two totally different things," he said, baring his fangs.

Integra's eyes narrowed slightly. "Trust me," she said forcing a smile. "It will not be pleasant for you."

The vampire sat straight, placing his hands on the desk. His eyes widened slightly as if surprised. "What do you mean," he asked slowly.

"Oh don't worry," she answered. "You'll see."

When he realized that she wouldn't say anymore, he stood silently. He walked over to the wall near her, smirking. "Good night, Master. Sleep well," he mocked disappearing into the shadows. Integra sighed and walked over to her desk, sitting down. "Beast," she muttered darkly.

'_Beauty_,' answered her. Integra twitched slightly.

"Alucard!"

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How was that for the prologue? Good, bad, just okay? Tell me your thoughts! I know it didn't say what he had done, but I'll explain in later chapters. Please review!

£§£ Kitsunia £§£


	2. Ch 1: Spiked Tea and Bloodied Walls

Disclaimer I do not own Hellsing, so you no sue -

Thanks for the reviews! Wow. . . 10 reviews already! Thank you all! Anyway, I hope you like chapter one. And yes, it will revel some of his "tricks" that he played on Integra, if you will. No, I will not be spelling them Arucard and Integral, so please stop emailing me about that ::coughs:: You know who you are.

Jessica- Sorry for the delay, here's chapter one. I'll try to update more often and not keep people hanging. I'm glad you like it.

Honourable Mr. Kaiba- Thank you for the review. I'll be sure to really try and keep up the work.

C.A.- Thank you so much for the review!! I'm planning to make this many chaptered. I hope you enjoy chapter 1 and review! I'll be sure to update quickly.

Butterfly- here's chapter 1. I was waiting for ideas ::grins:: Hope you like it.

Animefan12191- Thanks! Here's the next chapter. Enjoy!

Senpai-san- I'm happy that you think it's so funny! I hope you enjoy future chapters.

The james of hearts- Thanks for the review! I love his attitude so I just had to do a story like this. But I feel sorry for what I have in store for him ::smiles:: It's going to be oh so good. Anyway, I hope you continue with the rest of the story!

Neng- You spelled it right ::grins:: But I am glad you like the story and I hope you read the rest of it.

Jay-Trusedale- Thank you for reviewing! I'll be looking forward to your next chapter and I hope you continue to read it.

Dark-Saber1- Thank you. I didn't want to say what he had done just then. I wanted to wait until I got to a real chapter. This one will explain what he had done and him drawing on- There I go, explaining what I'm going to do. If you want to find out what he did, you'll have to read it ::smiles slightly:: I hope that you do.

This chapter is a flash back of a few of the things that he had done to get into trouble. There is a lot of stupid-ness and OOC, so please don't shoot me. But it is funny. Enjoy chapter one and don't forget to review!

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Chapter 1: "Spiked Tea and Bloodied Walls"

Feeling unusually happy, Alucard decided that the Manor house was just too quite. The vampire practically floated up the stairs, laughing manically at the thought of the havoc he could cause. After all, it was Saturday. Nobody needed to be sleeping in. . .

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Alucard silently stalked through the shadowy halls, looking for an innocent employee to terrorize. The vampire perked up when he realized where he was and a smirk spread across his features. As Alucard waved his hand slightly, a dark portal opened up below him. The vampire phased through the floor and right over Integra's bed.

He silently dropped to the ground, landing gracefully. Still grinning insanely, the vampire walked over to the sleeping form of his Master. Staring intently at her, he sat down, twitching with excitement.

"Never leave a vampire unattended, Master," he whispered, and pulled out. . .

A black Sharpie. Grinning madly, he proceeded to draw on her face, trying desperately not to cackle in his glee.

After a few minutes, Integra moaned softly and her eyes fluttered open slowly. Alucard froze, the grin slipping from his face. Tossing the Sharpie away, he phased through the chair and floor a split second before she awoke.

Integra sat up, rubbing her eyes slightly. "Damned dreams. . . I swear I will never play with ants and honey again," she muttered, getting out of bed. The Administrator of Hellsing walked into the bathroom yawning. Passing the ungodly large mirror and not noticing her face, she turned on the water, letting it get hot.

As she started undressing, a knock resounded throughout her bedroom. Growling in contempt that she didn't get to take her shower just then, she turned off the water, got redressed and stalked angrily over to the door, throwing it open.

"What is it," she snapped, showing the world her non-morning person side.

Walter was standing in the doorway, looking over a report. "There seemed to have been a silent attack in a neighborhood not that far from here. We just go the-" Hellsing's butler looked up from the paper and stood shocked.

Integra glared slightly at him. "Go on Walter. What does the report say?"

"Uh, the marker, err, vampire, I mean. Wrote on, uh, killed three faces. Families, I mean, families."

Integra tilted her head, looking curiously. "What in Her Majesty's Name are you talking about, Walter?"

"I, um, had gotten caught up in my thoughts," he lied quickly, blinking. "Here's the report. Uh, I'll go get tea," he stuttered slightly wandering away.

Integra took the portfolio in confusion. "A-alright."

Alucard cackled and phased part way through the wall, his eyes gleaming mischievously. Integra raised her eyebrow, glancing at him silently.

"My, my, Walter did seem sidetracked, hum?"

Integra shook her head and walked back into her room, slamming the door in the vampire's face.

Alucard continued to grin before floating down the stairs to the basement. "Such fun this is," he said, laughing insanely.

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Integra tossed the report on her bed, sighing softly. She rubbed her temples and walked back into the bathroom. "This is going to be a long day," she muttered tiredly. She glanced at her reflection before turning to the bath. The Administrator stopped on a dime, turning back to the mirror slowly.

Written on her forehead so she could read it was 'Bite me', a pair of fangs was drawn around the phrase. A sun-like design adorned her left cheek while a circle encompassed her right eye like a monocle. Angry eyebrows were drawn over her own and a very bad picture of her (perhaps) was on her right cheek with a sword going through its neck.

Breathing deeply, she tried to remain calm, but when laughter could be heard throughout the manor, she lost it. "ALUCARD!!!!!"

The grinning vampire phased through her floor. "Yes, Sir Integra," he questioned, mockingly. Integra turned; rage etched on her face.

"WHAT DID YOU DO," she screamed, grabbing anything silver in the bathroom. Alucard, still laughing softly, started to back away.

"I think it makes you look beautiful, my dear Master. Besides. . .it's Saturday, there should be a little excitement, don't you agree? You look better now than you did before." The vampire clamped his fangs shut at the last comment. Maybe that went to far.

Integra tried smiling, but she failed miserably. "Get. . .out. . .now. . .Alucard."

The No Life King blinked once, grinned and laughed again. "I should have given you a moustache," he said, snickering.

. . . . . . . .The whole manor shook with Integra's scream of rage and Alucard's scream of pain. . . . . . . .

"DON'T EVER TOY WITH ME LIKE THAT AGAIN, SERVANT," she screeched at the unconscious vampire lying on her floor. The Administrator of Hellsing stalked out of the bathroom, making sure to tread on Alucard, got dressed and went about work, growling.

The rest of the day, employees stared as she walked around or if they were summoned to her, but none dared to ask what had happened. The first and only person who did seemingly vanished off the face of the Earth.

There was reportedly no sign of Alucard, either. Which was highly unusual for a good Saturday to play games.

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That evening Walter was in the kitchen, preparing Integra's tea while Alucard was shifting around in the shadows.

"Good evening, Sir Alucard," the butler murmured without looking in the direction of the vampire.

"Ah, Walter. Just the person I was looking for," the vampire said back, grinning. "I need you to look at my guns. They seem a bit wear-ed. . . Perhaps you could fix them up." Alucard handed Jackal and Joshua to Walter, who took them, looking none the surprised.

"Alright, I'll look them over. But first I need to get Integra her tea."

Alucard's grin turned deadly. "Let me handle that Walter. I know how much you have to do around here and it would just be a load off your shoulders if I did this for you."

Walter blinked, surprised. "Thank you Alucard," he said before turning away, unaware of the danger he just put Integra in. "Very unlike him," he muttered and walked away.

Alucard, still grinning, followed Walter with his eyes. As soon as the butler was gone, he pulled out a bottle of Moonshine and dumped it in her tea, laughing evilly. He picked up the tray, sniffed at the tea lightly making sure that it didn't smell of its usual alcohol self.—, and proceeded to carefully walk up the stairs towards Integra's office.

The vampire phased through the door with the tea, no longer grinning. He placed the tray on the desk, and stood back, waiting.

"Thank you Walter," Integra muttered, not looking up from her work. Alucard glared slightly and coughed, causing the Administrator to look up at him. He tried desperately not to laugh at the sight of her still marked-on face.

"Oh Alucard," she said, slightly surprised that he would be here and Walter not.

"Your tea, Sir Hellsing," he said, bowing mockingly, though she didn't catch it.

"Thank you Alucard," Integra said, still in shock. Alucard stood, waiting for her to drink.

As she picked the tea up, Alucard started twitching with excitement. The Administrator slowly drank the tea, sealing her doom.

When she finished her drink, she went back to her work, seemingly unaffected. Alucard blinked, his mind void of any thoughts. A few minutes later and the Administrator of Hellsing leaned forward, her hair covering her face. Alucard bent down, staring curiously at his master. Integra started to shake slightly and Alucard, almost alarmed, tapped her on the shoulder.

Integra fell backward in her chair and burst out laughing, a rosy tint around her nose, ears and cheeks. "You'll won't be a believing what I just read," she said, giggling. "Y-you see there was this. . . t-this. . .uhhhhh. . . oh blast, what's the word I'm looking for-"

"Vampire," Alucard inserted helpfully.

The Administrator of Hellsing looked at him in admiration. "T-that's it. But how. . .uh, how did you know that's what I was t-thinking?" She hiccoughed slightly and Alucard had to bite his knuckle to stop from laughing at his master too hard.

"I'm a vampire too," he said, sniggering softly.

"Oh, w-well then I'm gonna have to kill you, okay? Y-you're gonna die now," Integra slurred, pulling out her gun. Alucard really had nothing to worry about; in this state she wouldn't be able to hit the side of a barn standing two inches from it.

"But I work- I mean you work for me, Ma- Integra."

She lowered the gun. "I do?"

Alucard nodded, his grin turning evil. "Yes you do, and as my first order to you, I want you to change into this." A suit much like Walter's appeared on the desk. Integra looked at it before dropping the gun, shrugging and picking it up.

She went to change and soon came back, grinning stupidly. Alucard smirked, took some pictures for blackmail and yawned slightly. "You are to stand right there. Don't move and keep smiling until I tell you to stop. I'm going to sleep." He phased through the wall and a few seconds later, found himself in her bedroom, smiling insanely. He yawned once more, buried himself under her covers and fell into a deep sleep, not thinking of how long it would take for the homemade alcohol to wear off.

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Integra moaned softly and woke, holding her head. "Bloody headache," she growled getting up. . . off of the floor? Integra blinked and looked around. She was in her office but what was she doing here and on her floor? She sighed and brushed her clothes off but stopped when she looked at what she was wearing. Integra started to shake in rage but she kept her temper in check until she reached the place she knew the out of control vampire would be. Kicking open her bedroom door, she stormed in, but stopped when she saw the walls were leaking blood. "So this is what he does in his spare time," she growled before stalking over to her bed. Taking a deep breath she proceeded to wake the sleeping manor with her voice.

"ALUCARD YOU GET OUT OF BED RIGHT NOW! WHO SAID YOU COULD SLEEP THERE!!! HOW DARE YOU DEFILE MY ROOM BY STAYING HERE!! YOU WILL BE SEVERELY PUNISHED IF YOU DO NOT GET OUT RIGHT THIS INSTANT!"

The vampire jumped up and fell out of the bed, landing on his head. "Ow. . ." Looking at her upside down, the vampire grinned innocently. "H-hello Master."

"Don't you DARE 'hello Master,' me Alucard. Get out now!"

Alucard scurried from the room and her wrath, thankful to still be walking. Of course, being who he is, he had to try to get the last word in. "At least I still have the pictures," he called back to her, laughing gleefully.

Integra hurried after him as he ran for his life down the hall. "GET BACK HERE ALUCAAAAAAARD!!!!"

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So how was that? Good, bad, just okay? Tell me your thoughts! So sorry that it took a bit of time to finally get the chapter out but it was worth it, eh? Hope you enjoyed and don't forget to review! Oh ya, and that wasn't the full effect of Moonshine. Listen up all you kiddies: that stuff is deadly if not brewed properly and even that's pushing it. It can cause everyone and anyone to go blind if they drink more than what their bodies can handle and it doesn't take a lot to kill someone. This is a fic so the truth was bent and stretched. Moonshine can affect someone in as little as 10 minutes. So, do NOT drink it. Try to stay away from alcohol all together.

Ryu- Kitsunia does not promote drinking any alcoholic beverages.

—I know that Moonshine has a smell, but for the sake of the story, let's just say that it doesn't.

£§£ Kitsunia £§£


	3. Ch 2: First Day on the Job

Disclaimer I do not own Hellsing, so you no sue -

**Thanks for the reviews! I am so sorry for the late update on the chapter. I've just been having some problems. Anyway, I know that I might have lost a few people, but I do hope that you all come back. I'll try much harder to update more often!**

sephirothleo1- thanks for the review!

robs- thanks for the review. I'm glad that you like it.

Alucard's Bane- here it is!

LaLaGurl- Oh, she gets her revenge. :grins evilly: I think you'll like it

Sempai-san- Sorry it took so long to update. I've just been, well, stuck to say the least. Here's chapter 2. I hope you like it.

Psychogrl- Thanks! The rest of the story is Integra's revenge. Well, and Alucard screwing more things up. Enjoy

potterfan89- Thanks for the review. I went on a tour in Tenn. a long time ago and the talked about how to brew it and such. That and I have friends who brewed and drank it.

Neng- Don't worry. She gets her revenge and it will be sweet. Enjoy chapter 2

Omega Z- Amen! Thanks for the vote of confidence! I haven't fallen off the face of the earth or been dusted :hee, hee: so, I will be continuing this fic. Enjoy!

**There is a lot of stupidity and OOC, so please don't shoot me. But it is funny. Enjoy chaptertwo and don't forget to review!**

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Chapter 2: "First Day on the Job" 

"But-"

"Alucard, for the last time, no! You are going and that is final!" Integra stood, glaring hard at the vampire sulking before her.

After a short silence, Alucard grinned insanely. "Isn't it going to be in sunlight, though?"

Integra's lips twitched slightly in a millimeter smile. "I have already taken care of that. You shall be working inside, so you can't use that excuse. Besides, I didn't know you feared sunlight."

That got him. His blood-red eyes narrowed a fraction. "I don't fear the light of day," he hissed. "I just hate it."

"Good, then. You'll have no qualms about working in a few hours."

Alucard stood silent. "A few hours," he repeated, growling.

Integra nodded and turned her back to him. "The sun's going to rise in less than three hours. I suggest you sleep or drink before you go." She turned back to him, fixing her glasses. "Either way, you're getting out of my hair now. Go, Alucard."

The vampire smirked slightly, bowed and phased through the wall.

"Damn vampire," she cursed, lighting a cigar.

* * *

Alucard satin his chair, glowering at the thought of his Master. How dare Integra think she could get the best of him this way. She would regret it. 

Turning slightly, he stretched out, lounging like a big cat. Long fangs glinted in the soft light as he yawned, a look of boredom crossing his features. So he was being a bit. . .overly stubborn. There was no way he was giving in without a fight, no matter what the cost would be.

After a couple of hours, Alucard's eyes blinked open with the sound of soft, yet determined footsteps. His usual Cheshire grin spread across his features as the door flew open. Silhouetted against the brighter light from the hall, Alucard couldn't see his Master's features, though he knew all to well the glare that adorned her face.

"Let's go, Alucard," she said grimly, turning. Alucard stood and practically glided after her.

"You didn't have to walk all the way down here, you know," he purred softly, walking a bit closer than usual. "You could have just called. I would have heard you."

Integra stared straight ahead, not gracing the vampire with an answer. Blood-red eyes narrowed and he leaned closer. "I would have come, too," he whispered, long dead air brushing against her neck. The Administrator of Hellsing twitched slightly and turned, the gun she usually kept hidden pressed against his forehead.

"Back down or I will make you back down," she said coolly. The No Life King raised his hands as his form melted into the shadows.

'_Come now, Integra. Are threats like that really necessary?' _

Integra growled between clenched teeth. "With you, yes." She replaced her gun in its holster. "The sooner we get there, the sooner we get home and the sooner you can go back to skulking in the shadows or whatever the Hell you do while I sleep." She could feel the air around her shift slightly, molecules speeding up with his excitement.

'_You think all I do is stay in darkness?'_

Integra ignored him and continued to walk, her shoulders squared against him. Alucard's eyes narrowed to slits when she refused to answer him. Sighing to himself, he completely vanished from the hall, only to appear at the door, waiting for Integra.

The Leader of Hellsing continued walking as if he had not even been there.

* * *

After a bit of a struggle and a few well-placed threats of silver going some place unpleasant, Alucard was finally on his way to the blood drive. Instead of his usual way of travel, Integra insisted he ride with her to the building. Leaning against the tinted window, he closed his eyes, a soft murmur escaping his lips as if he were talking to himself. Integra glanced over at him, but said nothing. He almost looked peaceful, the typical grin gone. In its place was a frown of concentration as if he were planning a way out. After a few minutes of silence, she finally spoke. 

"Just what are you thinking, Alucard?" She normally wouldn't pry in his business, especially when it came to him thinking, but the sensation he was giving off perturbed her. Alucard opened his eyes and glanced at her curiously.

"Of course, you would want to know," he answered, glaring at her condescendingly. She looked a bit taken back before glaring at him just as hard.

"I have every right to know," she snapped, arms tightly crossed against her chest. He grinned insanely at her, glasses slipping down to stare better at her.

"I suppose you do," he murmured softly, staring out the window once more. As if he had forgotten the exchange of words, he stayed silent. Integra's temper simmered softly as she waited half-patiently for him to answer. When he didn't, she glared coolly at him.

"Are you going to answer me or just sit there?"

Alucard jumped slightly and glanced at her before returning his attention to the trees that flashed by. "Answer you what," he asked.

The cigar in Integra's mouth almost slipped out as her jaw hung. She quickly caught herself and leaned back, looking wearily at him. "You test me, Alucard," she warned. The vampire looked once more at her.

"And you don't test me," he answered swiftly, smirking. Integra simply stared at him. Noticing that she had nothing more to say, he turned back to stare out the window, a secret thanks for the tinted windows running through his mind.

As they pulled up to the building, Alucard's anger seethed silently. He could sense the anticipation, fear, minute pain, happiness. . .it infuriated him like nothing else, but he kept his usual mask of coolness on. Integra slowly got out of the Rolls Royce and stretched slightly, smirking at Alucard as he sulked in the car.

"Are you coming or must I drag you," she said, chewing roughly on the cigar. He slowly got out of the car, and stood, towering over Integra. She nodded her head slightly and walked towards the doors. The swung open, admitting both the human and high-strung vampire. As soon as they entered, Alucard felt his senses jump. The heavy scent of blood on the air drove him mad and he wished nothing more than to stay there forever. Integra's eyebrow rose as she stared at the blood-intoxicated vampire.

"Problems," she asked, smirking at his predicament. Alucard growled at her as he tried to compose himself.

"You know what's wrong, Integra," he hissed, snapping his fangs at her name. She suppressed a laugh. Deep down, it shocked her that she was finding enjoyment in his torment, but kept those thoughts to herself, or so she thought.

'_I know you find enjoyment in this, but please. . .try not to laugh.' _The sarcastic remark flitted through her mind, a small tone of hurt along with it. Integra felt herself frown slightly as she stared at Alucard.

"Keep out of others' minds today, Alucard," she warned and turned as a nurse walked up to them.

"Hello," the nurse said, holding out her hand that was not occupied by a clipboard. "I'm Mrs. Clare Dauber the Head Nurse." She smiled as Integra shook her hand. "And you must be Miss Integra Hellsing and Mr. Alucard," she finished, fixing her glasses. The dislike Alucard felt for her was immediate

'_You can't possibly expect me to work with her,' _he growled softly to Integra. _'She's far to. . .annoying. . .'_

Sir Hellsing glanced amused at him, her eyes telling all. Alucard glared daggers at them both. "Horribly funny, Integra," he muttered.

Clare smiled densely at them. "If you're ready, Mr. . .I don't think you gave a last name."

"He just goes by Alucard," Integra answered swiftly before the vampire could even open his mouth.

Clare nodded her head slightly and wrote swiftly on the clipboard before smiling back at them. "Right, well, if you'll me, Mr. Alucard. . ." She turned and started walked down the pristine, white hall. The vampire glanced around before turning in the nurse's direction.

'_I'm going to murder her.'_

"Don't even go there, Alucard." The No Life King growled and stalked after the nurse, thoughts of death forming faster with every step he took.

* * *

"Okay, Mr. Alucard! Now, Miss Integra Hellsing told me that you know how to draw blood." She turned to him, the same opaque smile on her face. Alucard stared intently at her. 

'Nicely done, Integra,' he thought sourly. 'Draw blood. . .' He nodded his head slightly.

"I've had practice," he answered smoothly.

She wrote something else on the clipboard and handed him a list. "These are the people you'll be drawing blood from today." Alucard scanned down the list as she talked about how to 'properly' draw blood. 20 people. The vampire grumbled softly. Blood from 20 people and not even a drop to taste.

Clare walked him over to a gurney. A small stand with needles, antiseptic, gauze, and bandages stood off to the right. The set-up looked hastily, yet well done. "And this," she said, waving her hand. "Is where you're working. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask!" She turned to leave, but stopped and glanced back at him. "Oh, and one more thing. Miss Integra Hellsing has informed me that you have a bit of a, well, drinking problem? I'll have to ask you to not drink while on duty." She smiled at him, waved, and walked off to yell at some hapless worker.

Alucard watched her go and had to grab his hand so as to not kill her. A drinking problem, was it? He had no drinking problem! Sighing slightly to himself and looked at the first name on the list. A Mr. Sean Price, age 27.

Someone in front of him cleared their throat and his head snapped up. A man that looked more like a teenager than anything else stood fidgeting slightly. He wore black kaki pants and a loose short-sleeved cotton blue shirt. His blonde hair was spiked with a few black streaks. Alucard scoffed silently at him.

"Sean Price, are you," he snapped, anger wavering slightly. The man blinked azure colored eyes.

"Last time I checked," he answered. Alucard growled silently to himself. Pompous son-of-a-

"And you are?" The question shook Alucard from his thoughts. He debated for a quick second if he should kill him and say the guy never showed up, or just answer.

With the lights of kindness and intelligence shining over his head, he went with the second choice. "Alucard," he said. "Though you don't need to remember it." He motioned for the man to sit on the cot-like bed. Sean moved over and sat down, giving the vampire a bored look.

"Let's get this over with," he said, sighing heavily. "I have to do this for work and I would really like to get home soon. You know, T.V. and such," he finished, watching the vampire clean his arm.

Alucard rolled his eyes slightly. 'I don't want to be here, either, but you don't hear me complaining,' he thought to himself. Grinning, he grabbed a syringe.

"Then let's get this over with," he said, laughing softly. Sean's eyes went wide as the needle expertly moved towards him. A scream of mixed fear and pain escaped his lips as the needle slid into his arm.

Clare ran in a few seconds later. "What is going on in here? It sounds like you're murdering him!"

Alucard looked calmly over at her from where he was leaning against the wall, Sean passed out on the bed. A single unit was filled and placed neatly on the metal tray. "He doesn't like needles," the vampire said, suppressing a grin.

"I dare say he doesn't," the Head Nurse grumbled, checking the man over. Seeing that there was nothing wrong with him, she proceeded to revive him. "On the next person, please warn them when you're going to start drawing blood."

"I would have tried, but he didn't stop talking." Clare sighed and walked out with the now awake Sean. Alucard watched them go, a slight satisfaction filling him. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad working here. He licked a few drops of blood off his fingers. Not only would he get dinner, there were shows to go along with it. He laughed softly and looked at the next name on the list. Oh yes, today was a good day after all.

* * *

**How was that? Good, bad, just okay? Again, I'm sorry for the delay, and I hope that you all forgive me! I promise to work harder and try to update more often :grins: Please review!**

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	4. Ch 3: Bubble Gum, Blood, and Fear…Oh My!

Disclaimer I do not own Hellsing, so you no sue -

Thanks for the reviews! I know, I know…it's been a while since I updated, but I do hope you enjoy this chapter!

ani05terstVIP- um…thank you….?

littlesnowfarie- Thank you for the comment!

LaLaGurl- hummm….why yes, yes, he DOES do something evil!

Geraniums- thank you. I hope you read the rest of the story!

AttackingHentaiChibisLoveFluff- hummm…let us explore that in this chapter, shall we?

sephirothjr- Thanks for the review! I agree and yes, I will keep updating!

grey daze- Thank you! I like Alucard/Integra as a couple too

tipper- :smiles: I'll have to keep that hint in mind.

Cid Dante- Integra donate blood? Humm…that's not a bad idea…that's not a bad idea at all. Thanks for the review.

There is a lot of stupidity and OOC, so please don't shoot me. But it is funny. Enjoy chapter four don't forget to review!

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Chapter 4 "Bubble Gum, Blood, and Fear…Oh My!"

One down and 19 more to go… Alucard sighed slightly. And this was just the first day…

Leaning against the wall, he studied the next person. Jennifer Anders, age 23. A loud popping sound resounded though the small room and he glanced up.

"………"

"So…are you like…the guy that draws the blood?"

"………"

"Hello Are you even alive?"

Now that was a funny question and THAT drew forth a response. "I'm alive enough," he snapped. The young woman took a step back, jaw slowly chewing the spearmint gum in her mouth. Alucard stared at her in disgust. She wore black. All black. Black denim jeans, a small black tank top with "bite me" written in white in the center and black make-up. It was as if she dunked her face in black paint and let it dry before adding another layer. Three piercing on each ear and a lip piercing completed the outfit. Electric dyed blue hair drew Alucard's eyes away from her deep emerald ones. Alucard sniffed slightly; she was a vampire-freak. Defiantly.

"Anders," the semi-shocked vampire stammered out after a few seconds of silence. If it was the night of the new moon one would not be able to find her…and he was still in debate if that was a good thing or not.

The woman nodded her head.

"Uh. Good…" Alucard shook his, clearing his thoughts and motioned for her to sit on the gurney. She complied, hopping up almost happily.

He sighed softly and did just what was expected. Cleaning her arm, he stopped suddenly and looked up only to find her staring at him intently.

"What?"

"Oh, nothing. I was like, wondering why you're dressed like that and um, ya know…"

Alucard's eyebrow twitched slightly. No, he didn't know. 'If I did, I wouldn't have asked,' he screamed at her in his mind.

Instead, he answered her with another question. "Are you sure you're 23?"

Jennifer looked at him as if he was a well, vampire, and she a vampire-hunter. "Oh my God! YES, I'm 23," she screeched. Alucard winced slightly.

"Alright. Alright, no need to yell."

"Humph!"

A sigh. The distressed vampire didn't know how much longer he could stand of this. The next time he saw Integra, he would either kill her or beg forgiveness…

"Alright. I'm sorry…"

"You better be," the human said icily. Alucard suppressed a shudder and continued working. Reaching for the needle, he was about to draw blood, but remembering what happened last time, decided to warn her.

So, just as the nurse told him, he duly warned her. However, the way he worded it…

"Okay, Ms. Anders… I am now going to stab you with this needle and draw blood," he muttered, holding her arm tightly. Emerald eyes widened a bit as he expertly grabbed the syringe and slid it into her arm. She bit back a whimper as the blood left her body. When done, he glanced back at the arm. A quick thought of Integra beating him in the head with her silver ashtray slipped into his mind, but decided that it was worth it. He was hungry and hadn't gotten anything to eat yet…

"I'm afraid to tell you we'll have to take another half unit," he said, drawing the blood before she had time to protest. Jennifer blinked as the needle was once again removed from her arm.

"Um…"

Alucard's sunglasses slipped down and he studied her face a bit before placing the blood on the small tray. "That'll be it," he assured, staunching the wound so it would not bruise. The young woman blinked.

"Uh…"

Alucard waited half patiently for her to form a coherent thought and use it in a sentence.

"Wow," she finally chirped after about a minute of thought. She brushed blue strands out of her face, smiling. "That was a lot less painful than what I thought it would be. Hey listen, sorry for snapping at you before," she finished, hopping off of the gurney. She wrapped her arms around his middle in a tight, yet friendly hug. The vampire stood there, trying not to twitch. A human was…hugging…him…

'Master…I'm going to murder you,' he thought once more, this time with even more anger. Jennifer's eyes snapped open as she felt the animosity coming from him. In a single step, she was across the room and speeding down the hall, screaming her head off. Alucard blinked.

"………" Ah, well. She was unstable anyway.

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Integra sighed, waited a few seconds, and sighed again. It was…

Bliss.

"Walter! Come here for a second, will you?"

Hellsing's butler walked into the library seconds after being called. Integra didn't even blink. She had grown used to the Retainer popping out of nowhere.

"Yes, Sir Integra?"

Icy blue eyes studied the John Bull and a grin broke out on her face. "Can you hear it?"

Walter blinked slightly, his head tilted. "Hear…what, Sir?" He was becoming quickly confused at her behavior, but decided not to question it.

Integra laughed. It was a giddy, childish laugh, most unlike her. "Just that, Walter! Nothing!" The butler blinked once more, thoroughly confused.

"If you…say so, Sir." Sir Hellsing smiled at him and shook her head.

"The Manor, my dear friend. It is silent. There's no screaming, no insane laughing…it even feels lighter!" She rose from her chair and walked past him, still smiling. "Why didn't we think of this sooner, Walter? With Alucard gone for the day, we can…can…"

"Go out?"

"Yes! That's a wonderful idea!" Integra practically skipped to the door. "Let's go. I'm sure Seras can take care of the manor while we're out for the day. Oh wait…let's go see Alucard!"

Walter followed her wearily with his eyes. 'Alucard…please come back soon…this is…horrible.'

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Alucard stared at the blood for a few seconds before picking it up. Looking around to make sure nobody was near, he downed the blood, licking his fangs once he was done. The vampire sighed slightly and tossed the empty container into the biohazard trash bin, a grin on his features. If he kept this up, he'd easily be full. Looking at the list, he sighed softly once more. 18 left…18.

The vampire leaned once more against the wall and stared intently at the list. One Miss Julianna Grey. Alucard growled softly. 17 years old. He sighed and hung his head, remembering when Integra was 17. He thought he had died again and gone to Hell…again.

Shaking his head, he glanced at the clock, checking the time. Alucard snorted. Humans and their pitiful reliance on time…

Just as he looked down, he came face to face with a beautiful, light-skinned, young woman. Light blond hair fell to her shoulder blades. She wore a spaghetti-strap bright cream-yellow camisole, khaki capri pants, and sparse touches of make-up. But her most striking feature was her eyes. They were a light, crystal blue that one could easily get lost in.

"Uh."

She held out her hand, smiling, perfect teeth flashing. "Hi. I'm Julianna Grey."

"Um…"

The teen continued smiling as she waited patiently for him to speak.

"Hell…o…Hello." Julianna glanced around slightly before smiling back at him.

"So are you, um, you know…the guy that's gonna draw my blood?"

A nod.

"Okay!" Alucard quickly snapped out of it and watched her slip up onto the makeshift bed.

The vampire slowly moved over, still staring intently at her. Julianna moved a few stands of loose hair out of her face and behind her ear as she tilted her head, glancing curiously at him.

"Are you okay? You look kinda pale…"

Alucard blinked. "I don't get out much," he answered smoothly. The vampire once again started with the mundane cleaning of the arm and drawing of the blood. And, just as before, he drew another half unit extra.

Julianna smiled warmly at him. "Thanks. That was really easy. I mean, this was my first time getting my blood drawn, but I heard that it really hurts. You must have been doing this for quite a while. It was so easy."

The vampire turned slightly, grinning sheepishly. "It was, uh, n-nothing," he stuttered slightly. The teen's fingertips brushed lightly against his arm and he jumped. Julianna stood on her tiptoes and kissed his cheek.

"Thank you," she said again, smiling. Alucard shook his head.

"It was nothing," he repeated, softer this time. The vampire glanced up as she waved.

"Well, it was nice talking to you," she chirped before walking off.

Alucard shook his head once more, clearing his mind. What had come over him? Growling to himself, the vampire grabbed the half unit of blood and started drinking.

However…

"ALUCARD!"

Eyes wide, the vampire jumped, dropping the blood. Staring at his enraged master meekly, Alucard forced a small smile.

"H-Hello, Master…" His voice trailed off as Integra advanced on him.

"I KNEW you couldn't be trusted! That's it…I didn't want to have to do this, but you leave me no choice!" She reached into her jacket pocket and produced a black collar with a small box on it. Alucard tilted his head and stared at it.

"Um…" The vampire blinked. "May I ask what that is?"

Integra stalked over to the shrinking vampire and clasped the collar on him. "Shut up," she growled and pressed a small button on a similar black controller. Alucard jumped as a small shock ran though his body.

"Ow…what IS that?"

"Something to control your drinking problem."

"I DON'T HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM!"

Another shock.

"OW! STOP IT!"

"Not until you calm down."

"Fine. I'm calm…see?" Alucard crossed his arms and glared evilly at Integra, who was trying not to laugh.

"Good," she said, composing herself. "Now...I suggest you get back to work."

Alucard growled darkly at her before looking back at the list. A small smirk crept upon his lips.

"Oh…what do we have here? Integra…"

He glanced up at her as she turned back, slightly confused.

"I suggest you wait. In fact, I suggest you go sit there." He nodded his head towards the gurney.

Integra snatched the list from Alucard, staring intently at it.

Sir Integra Wingates Hellsing, Leader of the Hellsing Organization, Protector and Knight of the Protestant Church, Queen and Country, Master of Monster; Alucard…

…was to donate blood…

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How was that? Good, bad, just okay? Review and tell me your thoughts! Sorry to leave it as a cliffie like that…but those that know me and have ready my other stories know I love to torment my readers by this method. I hope you enjoyed this chapter…

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	5. Ch 4: Integra said what?

Disclaimer I do not own Hellsing, so you no sue -

Thanks for the reviews! Sorry that I haven't updated sooner. Please don't kill me, but I've been away in Japan for the past two weeks…eh, anyway, enjoy and don't forget to review!

Littlesnowfaire2005- :grins: Yes, she does have to get her blood drawn…unfortunately she's not going down without a fight! Enjoy chapter 5.

Omega Z- Yes, I do love that. I can't remember if this chapter has a cliffie or not…guess you'll have to read to find out! Enjoy

The Desperado- Yes, Alucard WILL make her suffer. That is if he can first get that controller away from Integra. Heh heh. Enjoy!

AttackingHentaiChibisLoveFluff- :smiles: thanks for the review. Enjoy chapter 5

Alucard's Bane- You're welcome. Hope you get the next email. Heh heh!

JackalGod- Thankee. Enjoy chapter 5!

Wankydoodle- I hope that you didn't giggle too hard, but I am very glad that you've enjoyed it. I hope this chapter is as funny as the others!

TheNoLifeQueen- Thanks. Sorry for taking so long to update. I hope the chapter makes up for not updating so quickly.

Alucard's secret lover- Thank you for the review! I hope you enjoy this chapter and continue reading the rest of the story.

Well, I hope you enjoy this chapter…and you'll understand the title later on during the chapter. Heh heh. Well, this chapter's a bit shorter than the others, but I think it's good. Um, the next chapter will be longer. I promise! Enjoy.

There is a lot of stupidity and OOC, so please don't shoot me. But it is funny. Enjoy chapter five don't forget to review!

Warning: there is a bit of bad language in this chapter, but nothing too over the top. Oh yes, and the F word is said once… (Whilst I am not a big curser, bare with me…I usually do not incorporate words any worse than "damn" into my stories, but I'm making an exception)

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Chapter 5 "Integra said what!"

**And just to recap:** Integra snatched the list from Alucard, staring intently at it.

Sir Integra Wingates Hellsing, Leader of the Hellsing Organization, Protector and Knight of the Protestant Church, Queen and Country, Master of Monster; Alucard…

…was to donate blood…

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Integra blinked, eyes studying the thin; almost see though paper clasped in her gloved hand. It HAD to be a mistake. There was no way that she was to donate blood, and even if she were, the Administrator would have made sure that it was outside.

Ice blue eyes slowly rose to meet blood red. "No," she growled. "I don't think so, and even if I were to get my blood drawn, it would NOT be by a damned vampire." The grin that was plastered on Alucard's face was growing with each word she said.

"No," she repeated, fist clenched tightly around the paper. Alucard's cool hand wrapped around her arm, forcing her to sit on the bed.

"Ah, wh- what are you doing, Alucard," she snarled, trying to jerk her arm out of his (no pun intended) death-grip. To no avail, naturally.

"Now, now, Master," the vampire chirped, thoroughly enjoying himself. "Relax, it will all be over- OW! Son of a- OWW! STOP IT!"

Integra smirked, a light chuckle slipping through her lips. She waved the controller past his molten ruby eyes as though it were a blood pack. A thin snarl escaped from behind his fangs, but he made no other sign of his anger and pain. The Director raised one of her eyebrows, amused.

Growling and muttering to himself, the vampire, still not having released Integra's arm, stared at the cloth preventing him from working. He sighed slightly and glanced at his Master. Integra glared heatedly at him when he opened his mouth. Alucard clamped his fangs shut and grimaced. (Walter of course was just watching and TRYING not to laugh).

"Remove your jacket and roll up your sleeve," Alucard demanded, rather gruffly. Integra's stare went from heated to ice cold.

"Don't you dare order me, servant," she hissed, jerking her arm from his grip. The vampire glared back.

"Just do it."

"No!"

"Ye- OW! Integra, you have to stop that!"

She smirked. "Then let me go on my way."

"You have to give blood."

"No, I don't!" Another shock.

"Stop it!"

"No!" Two more shocks.

Walter watched, thoroughly amused, as Master and Servant continued to bicker. Finally, after two full hours, the nurse came back in, livid.

"WHAT IS GOING-" Clare stopped dead in her tracks, eyes as wide as saucers.

Both Integra and Alucard looked over at her, frozen. The vampire was straddling Integra, one hand holding his self away from her as much as possible, the other reaching for the controller. Integra, on the other hand, was under him, pressed into the gurney, she was propped up on one elbow while her other arm was stretched far over her head, the controller dangling right above Alucard's outstretched hand.

"Um…"

"Uh…"

The two quickly went to untangle themselves from each other; Integra flushed and Alucard looking away. Clare glared at Alucard.

"And just what were you doing?" (She hadn't noticed it was Integra just yet.)

Not wanting to tell her that he was a vampire in the service to humans and that his Master had put a shock collar around his neck and he was trying to get the controller away from her, he just grinned sheepishly. "I uh…"

Clare glared even harder at him. "You'd best make a complete sentence and USE it quickly," she snapped. The vampire had a fleeting thought of Clare being worse than Integra when angered, but as soon as his blood red eyes glanced at Sir Hellsing (orbs straying to the controller), he shoved the thought out the window. He shook his head slightly, but was quickly answered for by Integra.

"Mrs. Dauber, it seems as though you have been mistaken. It is quite alright…" She bent in closer to the Head Nurse, her voice a whisper. "He also can't…contain himself sometimes…it's rather hard. I've always wondered if he's a bit slow in the head, you know?"

Clare nodded absolving, for her cousin was like that. Of course, Integra made sure to talk loud enough so Alucard could hear. And at that moment, he wanted to murder them both.

'_I'm going to murder her now,' _he hissed silently in Integra's mind, making her shiver slightly, but easily hid it. He had told her that Clare's death was going to be his at the beginning of the day, and even though Integra told him NOT to kill her, he was having thoughts about going against her word.

The Director's ice eyes glared intently at Alucard as a weak smile formed on the vampire's lips.

'_Come now, Master. Would you not agree that it would be better for her to be…gone?'_

Integra's slim gloved fingers rested lightly on the controller and Alucard quickly forced the thoughts out of his mind. Ruby eyes narrowed slightly at her giving her the "alright-I-didn't-mean-anything-by-that-remark" look. But she still did not remove her fingers. The vampire suppressed a growl as he realized her intentions.

She was going to push the button.

'_Don't push that button, Integra…Hey, what are you-' _The thought was cut off as a rather painful shock swept across his nerves. An involuntary growl escaped his lips as he gave a jolt.

All the while Clare had turned her attention to Walter, who was happily chatting away about the best tea.

Integra glared at Alucard, who glared back.

"Don't do that again," he hissed softly.

"Do what," she asked, smirking.

"You know what."

"This?" A shock.

"Ow, damn it! Yes, that!"

"Watch your language!" Another shock.

"AH! STOP IT!"

"Calm down."

"NO! OW!"

Walter and Clare both turned their attention to the bickering pair.

"Are they always like this," Clare asked, mildly interested. Integra had magically pulled out her infamous silver ashtray and was now beating the vampire over the head as he fended her off with needles; err, tried to, that is to say. The controller was momentarily forgotten on the gurney.

"Sometimes," Walter said, sighing slightly. "They used to be like this for a while, but lately Alucard's just be…practically unbearable. I think he's finally figured out what gets under Sir Integra's skin…Of course, the result is…" His voice trailed off as he idly waved his hand in their direction.

Integra slammed her foot onto the now down vampire, keeping him pinned. "Don't you DARE try to bite me again, you fucking abomination!" (Oh dear…Integra really should watch her language). Walter blinked along with Clare as Integra covered her mouth.

Nothing but silence filled the room for a full two minutes and it would have gone on longer had it not been for Alucard suddenly bursting out in laughter.

"YOU should watch your language," he sneered, eyes boring into her own. She glared, raised the ashtray and the last thing Alucard could remember was a flash of silver and then darkness.

"Um…" Clare took a half step forward, stopped, looked at Integra, then Alucard.

"Don't worry. He'll be fine." Integra glanced at Clare as she walked over (and on) Alucard. The Head Nurse blinked and nodded slightly at Integra.

"Alright."

Integra smirked slightly at Alucard's unconscious form, grabbed the controller from the bed and shoved it back into her pocket. Stretching slightly, she slid back up on the bed, eyes trained on the vampire. After a few minutes, he slowly started moving. Gathering himself, he rose, eyes glaring intently at Integra.

The Director smirk grew as she locked gazes with him. "What's wrong, vampire," she taunted. She could see he was getting worked up, but could do nothing.

"Just…let me…draw your blood," he growled through clenched fangs, eyes narrowed. He stood straight, brushing his clothes off.

Clare looked between them both. Seeing that she really wasn't needed any longer, she quickly left the room, giving a silent thanks that she could get out of there. Integra and Alucard had a glaring match (which Walter found entertaining).

Alucard blinked.

"HAH!"

"I'm still drawing your blood."

"I don't think so!"

"Well I do! OW! Don't start this again!"

"Then don't raise your voice to me."

Walter sighed, pulling up a chair.

Here they go again…

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How was that? Good, bad, just okay? Review and tell me your thoughts! Heh heh…well, what will Integra do now? And Alucard? The poor souls. It seemed as though Integra was never going to get her blood drawn, but she finally gave in…or so we think. Once more I leave you all at a cliffie…I'm sorry…

Ok, maybe I'm not totally sorry. Heh…Well, looks like we'll have to wait for the next chapter to see if Integra's going to get her blood drawn. I promise to update faster than what this one was…Well, don't forget to review!

(wow, I think I rambled during this a/n…)

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	6. Ch 5: Here We Go Again

Disclaimer I do not own Hellsing, so you no sue -

Ah, another chapter so soon! Wow, my muse is working overtime. Enjoy!

Sombra- Um…thank you! I'm glad that you like the fic! Here's the next chapter. I hope you like it as much as the others

The Desperado- Yes, they are…and sadly (I think), it leads into this chapter. Heh hehe. I wasn't too sure on how long Alucard would last and I feel sorry for him…but his pain is our humor…enjoy!

Alucard's secret lover- :hugs and gives cookie: Thank you for the reviews! Yes well, I didn't even realize I wrote that until it was posted…hmm…ah well, glad you like it! I hope you like this chapter, too

Pyromaniagrl- thanks for the review!

TheNoLifeQueen- yep! And here's another chapter so soon, too (kind of scary, really). Thank you sooo much for the comment! 'tis taken to heart.

Death's Integrity- Thankee for the review. Here's the next chapter! Hope that you enjoy it!

RenegadePineapple- I've read your story (and now reviewed) and I must say that you are a genius! You do a wonderful job and I'm happy that you reviewed my story. I hope you continue with the story. And as long as you continue to write, I will continue to review!

AttackingHentaiChibisLoveFluff- yap! And another update too! I must say, I do you're your name…very ingenious! Enjoy this chapter.

There is a lot of stupidity and OOC, so please don't shoot me. But it is funny. Enjoy chapter five don't forget to review!

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Chapter 5: "Here We Go Again"

"Please…please…"

"I said no!"

Alucard sighed and hung his head, arms lips at his sides. He hurt all over, was tired, hungry, and now thoroughly annoyed with his Master's stubbornness. Opening his mouth once more to argue, he didn't even have time to take a breath before a small shock zapped him. Jumping slightly, he growling in agitation while glaring at Integra.

"Stop it."

"Um…no." A sigh.

"Please…?" The request came out choked, as though the word did not want to leave his throat. Integra smirked slightly, shaking her head. Alucard's eye twitched. He couldn't stand it any more. Grabbing the metal tray, he inwardly cringed.

"Forgive me, Master," he muttered before whacking her over the head. Integra slumped over on the gurney knocked out. Grumbling, Alucard quickly drew her blood. (Walter decided that after four hours of their bickering, he deserved a coffee break…thus he was unable to rescue Integra from the blood drawing. Heh)

Alucard looked over at Integra after she hadn't woken up for three minutes.

"Um…Master…?"

There was no answer. The vampire, now just a smidge worried, poked her gently in the arm.

She rolled over.

"Okay, Master, now would be a very good time to wake up…"

"What in Her Majesty's name is going on?" Alucard whirled at the sound of the voice, his face like that of a deer's caught in the headlights.

"I uh, she, err….she's having a kip. That's all."

Walter sighed, sounding defeated. "Alucard…"

"Yes, yes, I know…she's going to KILL me when she wakes." He held up a unit of blood, grinning evilly. "But I won in the end."

The Retainer rolled his eyes slightly, shaking his head. "It won't matter if you got the blood or not." His voice trailed off as he stared at the vampire. "You didn't drink any did you?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Fairly certain…"

"Swear."

"On what?"

"Just do it."

"Why?"

"Because I want to be sure."

"So now my word's not good enough anymore?"

"When was it ever good?"

"Oh, now that was low."

"I'm terribly sorry but-"

"No you're not. Don't lie."

This continued for close to five minutes and would have gone on for a much longer time had it not been for Integra moaning and waking. Both vampire and human looked over at her as she slowly sat, holding the back of her head.

"Bloody…what happened?"

Alucard blinked. "You were having a kip."

"No she wasn't."

"Don't start this again."

"Oh, now that was with the blood."

Integra stared at them, her patience quickly dropping. "What are you two on about?"

"Alucard drew your blood."

"He's lying."

The Director slid off of the gurney, glaring darkly. "Alright, you two. Enough. Obviously I was" -she felt the knot on the back of her head- "knocked out and my blood was drawn… (Alucard wilted) I don't want to know what you two were arguing about seeing as how I now have a headache (The vampire at this point was inching towards the door). However, due to the fact that SOMEBODY still has work to do, I'll deal with this later."

With that said, she gathered herself together and stalked out the door, and right into the next person.

"Hey, watch it!"

Integra jolted slightly, her eyes widening. "Mind yourself, boy," she snapped before walking off, grumbling something about respect, young bloods, and something not so good about the Vatican. (Walter had used his magical Retainer powers and ended up ahead of Integra).

Alucard looked at the "boy". 'Heh, Master must be older than what I thought if she's calling him boy,' the vampire thought idly.

A man no older than 30 stood in the doorway looking drenched and sour. He wore a short-sleeved white tee and dark jeans. His dark brown hair seemed a bit thin at his crown, yet his green-gray eyes were giving him a younger look as they stared sharply at Alucard.

"………"

The man glared and slunk over to the makeshift bed. "Bloody rain," he swore, getting up onto the bed. Alucard could now easily see his stomach was a bit larger than what it should have been.

"And you are…"

The man blinked at the question and the sound of annoyance in Alucard's voice.

"John."

"Right…" The No Life King's eyes narrowed slightly as he moved over to the human, quickly getting to work. He could feel John follow each and every movement he make and it was starting to get on his already frayed nerves.

"Going to draw your blood," he muttered as he slid the needle into his arm. Sighing, he drew one unit. Placing it on the tray, he glanced back at the arm. The blood welled up where the pinprick was and Alucard quickly put pressure on it so it would not bruise. He contemplated for a few seconds on whether or not he should draw another half unit, but remembering what had happened not but less than an hour ago, he decided against it. After all, Integra could be watching and he wouldn't know about it.

"Alright," he growled softly. "All done."

John got up without a word and walked off, totally ignoring the vampire. (Not that Alucard could really care anymore).

The vampire sighed softly and glanced at the list. Where was he? Oh ya… Looking at it, he glanced at the next name. Caroline Wanes, age 32. Grumbling to himself, he leaned against the wall, awaiting the next victim (err, I mean donator)…

And he did not have to wait for very long! For as soon as 'John' left, a woman dragging a kicking and screaming kid walked in.

"Hello," she said, breathless as she held out the hand that wasn't glued to the child. "I'm Caroline Wanes…"

Alucard slowly took her hand, shaking it. "Hi…" He would have made a better introduction where it not for the child who was screaming its head off and tugging at the hapless woman's arm.

"MOMMY! I want to go get ice cream now!"

"Not now dear. Mommy has to give blood…"

Alucard almost felt a pang of sympathy for her.

……Almost……

The child, not giving up, continued to tug on his mother's sleeve as though that would magically drop ice cream in his lap. Caroline sighed and sat on the gurney (well, as best as she could with the screaming kid now hanging from her shoulder).

"Look Henry, look at what the man is holding…"

Henry (who looked disgusted to have been named that) now locked his gaze at the needle in Alucard's hand. Alucard stared back at the kid. This was NOT going to end well.

"What are you doing?"

"Cleaning her arm…" 3…

"Now what are you doing?"

"Drawing her blood…" 2…

"NOW what are doing?"

"I'm done…" 1 ½…

"Are you suuuuure?"

"Yes…" 1 1/3….

"I don't think you're very good at this…"

"Well, those are your own…thoughts…" _Must not kill…_

"What's that?"

"Blood…" Alucard was nearing his snapping point and Caroline could see it clearly.

"What's that?"

The vampire snapped. "Something I'm going to shove up your-"

"Alright, I think that's enough questions for the nice man…"

"But-"

Caroline quickly dragged her questioning son out of the room before Alucard killed him (not that it would honestly, really, truly matter…but we're going to keep this NOT rated R).

The rest of the day quite literally dragged on. By the time Walter and Integra came back, Alucard developed a twitch in his right eye, a rather violent fidget, and continuously wrung his hands. The vampire had his back facing the door as he shifted his weight from one foot to the other; eyes locked on the "wash your hands" sign.

"So trivial," he muttered to himself. "Foolish humans thinking that washing hands would keep disease away. I mean come on, look at what happened with the Black Death…" His voice trailed off to a whisper as he started spouting off diseases and viruses.

Integra slowly walked up to the slightly more insane than usual vampire and tapped him on the shoulder. "Alucard?"

The said creature stopped abruptly and whirled around. "MASTER!" Throwing his arms around her shoulders, the vampire clung to the Director, bawling his eyes out. "It's been so horrible! There was this one lady and…and…and she had a KID! A KID! I wanted to wring the brat's neck, but noooo, she wouldn't let me! And then there was this- Master?"

Integra's eyebrow twitched as she tried to control her anger. "Remove your hands from me, vampire," she seethed, hands clenched tightly. Alucard whimpered pitifully but released her with the light of intelligence shining over his head for once. Turning, Integra walked back to the car, Alucard trailing close behind.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Once in the car, Integra sat, glowering at Alucard. The vampire didn't look at her, but was rocking back and forth, whispering something that sounded much like 'I'm going to draw your blood now'. Integra sighed, however when she touched her head and winced (it was still a bit tender) her anger redoubled.

"For hitting me over the head and drawing blood when I said not to…I am sad to say you will be working at the blood drive tomorrow also."

There was a long silence that was broken by a scream.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!"

Integra sat back as she watched the vampire break down. She lit a cigar, a smirk on her face.

Ah, sweet, sweet justice…

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How was that? Good, bad, just okay? Review and tell me your thoughts! Well, looks like Alucard's going to have to suffer some more…

Oh yes, and how could I end the fic so soon? Don't worry…the next chapter will be coming shortly. After all, we still have to go through Seras…Pip…and a surprise visit from the Vatican!

………………..heh heh heh………… Don't forget to review! I hope you all enjoyed it!

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	7. Ch 6: Day Two

Disclaimer I do not own Hellsing, so you no sue -

Sorry for the semi-lateness of the chapter. I don't know why, but for some reason, I've been rather tired lately. :sighs: I'll be working on the next chapter, but I might or might not have it up around late sun/early mon. I just "retired" from the job I've held for 7 years and it's really breaking my heart… :hands cookies to reviewers: But that doesn't concern the story so enjoy!

Alucard's Bane- I'm so glad that you like it! Here's the next chapter. I hope you enjoy it as much as the other chapters.

Death's Integrity- Yep, he sure is! Unfortunately for him, the scarring just don't stop there, lol. Enjoy chapter 6!

Pyromaniagrl- :nods head: Ya, I kind of feel sorry for him, but don't worry. Everything turns out alright in the end…err, or as close to alright for a psycho gun-wielding really old, powerful, slightly to really insane vampire. Heh heh…Enjoy!

AttackingHentaiChibisLoveFluff- I see…well, I must say…it makes for a wonderful name! Hope you enjoy chapter 6. And thanks for all of your reviews so far:hugs: They've really helped me!

Devilman666- Thank you for the review! I don't see how that is disrespectful…when I read that, I fell out of my chair laughing…mum wasn't too keen on the idea of the falling out of the chair, but it was worth it! Oh ya, and I can see him yelling something like that!

TheNoLifeQueen- Thanks sooo much for the review! Ya, I kind of felt bad for Alucard, but then I just remembered what was in store for Integra and the rest of Hellsing and I was like 'eh…he'll be fiiiine'. :smiles, hugs and gives cookie: Thanks for the comments too, they've really lifted my spirits! Sorry for the semi-lateness of the chapter, but I hope it makes up for it. Enjoy!

Alucard's secret lover- Lol, yap! He is! And there is more crying and whimpering along the way…but not all of it will be by Alucard. Thanks for the comment and review! I hope you like this chapter as much as the others!

I just want to give a HUGE thanks for the people that have read my story so far:cookies and hugs to reviewers: and especially to those that take their time and review each chapter. That really means a lot to me! But I also want to say thank you to those that have just read my story! I hope that I've put a smile on your face and glee in your heart!

On with the story:skitters off:

There is a lot of stupidity and OOC, so please don't shoot me. But it is funny. Enjoy chapter six don't forget to review!

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Chapter 6: "Day Two"

"Oh, Alucard…where are you?"

'_For the final time, GO AWAY!'_

Integra huffed, glaring death at the door leading the room in which the vampire had locked himself. It had taken her almost two entire hours to track him down, but she was finally about to. Raising her fist, she lightly rapped on the door.

"Alucard, I know you're in here."

A huge crash resounded from behind the door along with a few curses. There was another crash, some more curses and finally silence. Integra smirked slightly and opened the now unlocked door.

"There you are, vampire," she snipped, trying desperately not to laugh at his situation. She had no clue what he had been doing, but it was rather funny.

The vampire looked up (yes, up) and glared at Integra. "It's NOT funny, Integra," he growled through clenched fangs.

"Well, I most certainly think it is."

By now, I'm sure everyone's wondering what exactly happened. So let's backtrack shall we?

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(2 1/2 hours earlier)

Alucard paced in front of his chair, determined not to let Integra catch him. He knew that they were already running a bit late (not being his fault) and his Master was having a fit because of it. Now thinking about it, he mused that it kind of was his fault…after all; you normally don't see a hellhound running around in broad daylight.

The vampire froze in place as he heard angry footsteps, no doubt Integra coming to yell at him some more. As if it wasn't bad enough that she used a dog whistle to bring him back and then proceeded to yell at him for close to an hour, oh no, she had to yell some more. He sighed slightly, in no mood to be upbraided. Besides, when she was able to put the stake down and stop threatening to run it through his heart (or head depending on if he moved) she informed him that he would be working a third day at the blood drive.

And THAT was going to be Hell…

"Stop chewing on my ear, Integra," he growled before backing into the shadows and vanishing just as the door opened.

Integra stepped into the dimly lit room, looking around. Glaring slightly, she crossed her arms, leaning against the doorframe.

"Alucard…"

Silence answered her.

"Damn it, Alucard, you bloody git!"

Still nothing. The Director growled. That almost always got him.

"Fine then, if you're not going to show yourself, I'll…" She smirked evilly. "I'll nail your coffin shut…cut off the blood supply AND have you work at the blood drive for a forth day."

Once more, there was nothing. A look of confused agitation crossed her features. Well, that just proved that he wasn't in the room. She sighed slightly, turned, and walked out, closing the door behind her. She would find the damned vampire; after all, with an ego as big as his, it would be rather hard to hide.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Alucard growled as her threats drifted through his mind, yet he made no move to go down to her. The irritated No Life King resumed his pacing in one of the lesser-used rooms. His patience was wearing thin and while he was not one of the most tolerant creatures, he was ready to snap.

"Alucard, where the bloody Hell are you?"

While the speaker was still down stairs, he heard the question crystal clear.

'_Go away. I don't want to be bothered right now!'_

That was sure to get her. The vampire could feel her anger rise along with her annoyance level. Now he was in trouble.

"ALUCARD!"

'_I SAID GO AWAY!'_

Turning, he quickly barred the door (as if that would stop her) and waited.

It didn't take long.

"Oh, Alucard…where are you?"

'_For the final time, GO AWAY!'_

Holding his breathe, he waited, counting down.

…3…

…2…

…1…

"Alucard, I know you're in here."

…certain death now…

Right when Integra knocked on the door, he jumped. Oh yes, she was angry. Very, very angry. Running over, he lunged for the door, but tripped over an upturned rug. (as if I could give ever let him be graceful…hehehe)

A long string of curses went down with him as he clawed at the door, trying to stop himself, but to no avail. Growling, he got up, whirled and made a mad dash for the window, only to once again trip, this time over a lawn chair. He cursed once more as his leg got caught.

'What the heck is a lawn chair doing up here, anyway,' he thought, as he resigned himself to the embarrassment. Waving his hand slightly, the lock clicked, now making it able for Integra to enter the room. He sighed.

It wasn't a pretty sight. The vampire was sitting on the lawn chair, with his leg caught under it, his hair fell into his eyes and he was thankful at that moment that he couldn't see very well otherwise he would be staring at on very amused Integra. His hands were somehow trapped behind him (even he's still not too sure).

"There you are, vampire." Alucard could here that she was trying not to laugh.

The vampire looked up and glared at Integra. "It's NOT funny, Integra," he growled through clenched fangs.

"Well, I most certainly think it is." (Okay! Now everyone's caught up!)

After about an hour along with even more curses that would make the best and toughest of sailors cry, Alucard was finally free of the 'damned human contraption that threatens to kill us all'. There were also rumors that three shots were fired, but nothing about that was on record.

And they were sitting outside the horrid building that Alucard was starting to fear.

Yes, Alucard…fear…

"Is it too late to say I'm sorry?"

"Yep." Integra lit a cigar, smirking slightly.

"And that I'll never ever EVER do anything like that again?"

"Most definitely."

"And you're positively NOT going to change your mind?"

"Now, why would I want to do a thing like that?"

Alucard turned to her, giving her his best doe-like eyes. "Have I ever told you how much I love you?"

"Many times, Alucard. You've confessed your undying love each night as you handed me a red rose over a candle-lit dinner under the moon and stars. You've whispered in my ear that you love me and never want to leave my side, that even death will not be able to part us."

"Been reading those romance novels of yours again, have you?"

"Yep!"

He nodded his head and sighed. "Alright." He slowly got out of the car, looking back at her every few seconds.

"Oh just GO already!"

The vampire growled, stormed out of the car, slammed the door shut and stalked into the building. At that moment, Clare walked up to him, waving her hand.

"Ah, there you are, Alucard! I was getting a bit worried. Come on, then!"

He followed the Head Nurse, thinking of different ways to torture her then kill her when one high-pitched, slightly annoying call rang though the air.

"Master!"

Alucard ducked his head and continued walking, hoping and PRAYING that she didn't follow him.

It just wasn't to be.

"Master! Hey, wait up for us!"

He was able to make it to the room, however when Clare left, Seras Victoria dodged around the Head Nurse, with Pip trailing after.

"Hey! I was calling, did you hear me?"

Alucard blinked slightly. Of course he heard her, but there was that little thing with him not wanting to be bothered today.

Obviously the Police Girl didn't get the memo…OR the hints.

"I suppose not…"

Seras smiled broadly at him. "So, are you here to give blood?" She grabbed Pip's hand suddenly and bent it backwards. The Captain winced slightly.

"Ow, ow. Okay, I won't touch…let go!" The draculina did so, still smiling.

"Uh, no…besides, why would I want to give blood?" He scoffed.

"Oh, so is Sir Integra here then?"

He shook his head, trying to control his rising temper. "No, she was here yesterday…"

"Oh, well then. What are you doing here, Master?"

There was a long pause. Then-

"Drawing blood."

Seras stared at him, her eyes wide.

"You're what?"

"Drawing blood…"

"But I…why…"

Alucard shook his head, raising his hand to silence her. "And just what is my fledgling doing here," he asked suddenly, glaring slightly at her.

"Oh, well, Pip was going to get his blood drawn and I decided to come along."

Alucard eye twitched. Well, that was just great…

"Ya," Pip suddenly interjected. "Some bloke that's running late. Don't know his name, though. Really supposed to be good, but a sort of big, scary chap."

Alucard slowly looked at the list that Clare slipped him before she left. His best evil, insane I'm-going-to-kill-you-now grin appeared on his face as he glanced back up at Pip.

"Why don't you go have a seat," he said, the grin growing slightly.

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How was that? Good, bad, just okay? Review and tell me your thoughts! Ah! And once more a cliffie…sorry, but I'll update soon so I don't keep you all hanging! Oh dear, is seems as though Alucard can't stop getting into trouble.

The poor, poor soul…

But don't worry! It will all be worth it in the end! Alucard gets what he always wanted and Integra finishes her romance novels :shifty eyes: Please review!

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	8. Ch 7: Pip and lunch don't mix

Disclaimer I do not own Hellsing, so you no sue -

Yes! Chapter 7 is out and kicking…also biting…screaming…and such! Enjoy!

Alucard's Bane- Thanks for the review! Here's chapter 7. I hope you enjoy it!

Alucard's secret lover- Well, Alucard gets his revenge, unfortunately…with Seras along, the tables are quickly turned. Hope that the lawn chairs hold off their attack until this story is finished. I'd hate to leave people at a cliffie. Enjoy!

AttackingHentaiChibisLoveFluff- hmmm…That's not a bad idea…that's not a bad idea at all…

Pyromaniagrl- Don't worry…Alucard is actually the one that gets deeply hurt in this chapter…and a few innocent donators but that's supposed to be off the record. Heh heh. Enjoy chapter 7.

TheNoLifeQueen- Thanks for the review! Sadly (or not) what you imagined comes true…but it all turns out for the better, err or worse in Alucard's case. Enjoy!

MzMoon- Here's the next chapter. I hope that you like it! Yes, Alex does come and get his blood drawn…but there will be lots of pouting and fighting…along with a few well meant insults…hope you like chapter 7

Andersonfanandadmirier- Yes, well, Pip does get it, but he doesn't die, though…hope you enjoy this chapter!

Death's Integrity- Yep, there sure it! However, it's alright…Pip is scared out of his wits and Alucard's ego meets a flurry of ego-deflating pins… :grins: enjoy!

Wankydoodle- Thanks for the review! I hope that you're all right and in well enough shape to read this chapter!

Err, I took a stab at the accents... If you can't read them, I'm sorry…Please tell me if you can't and I'll change it to regular speech.

Also, the telharmonium (1st electric instrument) weighed 200 tons…there, you learned something from the internet :smiles:

There is a lot of stupidity and OOC, so please don't shoot me. But it is funny. Enjoy chapter seven don't forget to review!

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Chapter 7: "Pip and lunch don't mix"

Pip blinked. Alucard grinned.

And Seras just sort of stood there in her 'I'm so bloody confused' way.

"Say what?"

Alucard's grin just grew wider. "You heard me," he said happily, thoughts of revenge already forming. "Go ahead…have a seat. I'll be with your shortly." He chucked darkly as Pip suddenly realized the extreme danger he was in.

Seras glared and grabbed her Sire's arm, dragging him out into the hall. "How could you," she screeched.

The No Life King shrugged slightly. "What do I care? He's not MY boyfriend." Seras moaned and slapped a hand on her forehead. Alucard just blinked. It was a legitimate response!

"Just don't hurt him, please."

But it was too late for the request; Alucard had already gone back into the room. Seras waited (nervously) for Pip to come out. There was total silence in the room before a loud crash, a scream, another crash, aaaaand a few well-put curses. The draculina's eyes widened. Running over, she slowly pushed the door open before gasping.

"Captain? AH! What happened?" Alucard looked up, grinning like a dog that caught a rabbit. Pip was cowering on the gurney while flecks of blood surrounded and covered them both.

"YOU TRIED TO EAT ME!"

"It was just a nibble..."

"YOU ALMOST TOOK MY ARM!"

"I didn't bite that hard…"

"YOU DREW BLOOD!"

"That's what I'm supposed to do…"

"YOU DRANK IT!"

"…I'm a vampire if you've forgotten…"

Seras sighed and hung her head. "Alright…let's hear it…"

Pip whirled around to face her, pointing at the purring vampire, who was rather busy licking the blood from his fingers. "Everything waz going alright, but I knew from ze look in his eyes zat he was up to somezing."

"It was nothing. You're just high-strung…"

"He grabbed ze largest needle! He didn't warn me!"

"It was a mistake. Besides, I thought you were a dog of war…"

"ZEN when he drew ze blood, he just bit me!"

"Correction; I tripped…"

"AND STARTED DRINKING!"

"Well, I was a bit hungry, and you WERE bleeding…"

Seras held up her hand. "Master, enough…I don't need your commentary too…what else happened," she asked Pip, concern in her eyes.

"Well, I punched him off."

'_Yes, and that hurt…caught my nose…'_

"MASTER!" Alucard crossed his arms, growling to himself.

"Fine, fine…I'm shutting up…"

"Thank you. Go on."

"After zat, he backed off and you walked in."

The young vampire sighed slightly. "Alright. So, by what you're saying, Master was cleaning your arm, drew your blood, bit your arm before you could pull away, drank a bit, then you punched him and I walked in?"

"Yes."

"I see…well, I suppose we'll have to report this to Sir Integra." Silence filled the room before Alucard burst out in tears.

"NO! Anything but that! Please!"

Seras grinned evilly at him. "Alright. Then tell the Captain you're sorry." The elder vampire's eyes widened as his jaw dropped.

"WHAT?"

"You heard me, Master! Tell the Captain you're sorry or I'll tell Integra."

Alucard slowly weighed his choices. If he told the Captain he was sorry…well, he just couldn't do that! But if Seras told Integra on him it would just be a living nightmare. Shoving his pride into a crevice and his ego into a canyon, he locked gazes with Pip. Straightening his shoulders, he took a deep breath.

"I'm….s-s…so.." He growled softly, fists clenched tightly. "I'm s-sorr...reee…ee…"

Pip and Seras blinked. Who knew it would be so hard for the vampire to say a single word.

"I'm sorry," he finally spat out after five minutes of stuttering.

"There! That wasn't so bad, now was it, Master," Seras chirped happily. Alucard glared at her, thoughts of death forming.

'You have no idea,' he thought sourly as he tried to pick up the remainder of his destroyed ego.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

(On a train, somewhere in Britian)

"I don see why we have tae go," the deep voice complained for what seemed to be the twentieth time.

"For the last time, Anderson, enough…"

"Ack, Maxwell…wha is it whit ye today?"

Maxwell sighed in agitation and slumped down in the seat, closing his eyes. "We're doing this out of the good of-"

"Oor hearts…aye, I know…" Alexander Anderson (or rather just known as Anderson) stared gloomily out the window, watching as the British countryside flashed by.

"Then WHY do you continue to complain?"

There was no answer to his question. Maxwell could honestly say he didn't blame Anderson. After all, not only was he tricked to get onto the train going to London, but they also were forced to take away his bayonets. And everyone knew just how much he loved his blades.

It was rather creepy at times, to be totally honest.

And God forbid he share just HOW he was able to have endless supply of weapons on him. It took them almost five hours to extract all of them; not that the Priest was helping any.

Maxwell sighed once more and looked up at the ceiling. He had contacted Hellsing earlier that day to make sure there would be no run-ins. Integra assured them that there was nobody from her organization there, but something was nagging at the back of his mind. He shrugged it off as slight sleep deprivation.

Glancing around to compartment, he checked to make sure everyone was alright. Anderson was half asleep, muttering something about vampires and how to kill them, Heinkel and Yumiko where sitting side by side, both zoned out. Father Renaldo (don't ask why they dragged him along…they just did) sat staring out the window, slightly interested on what was going on outside. Maxwell yawned, tapping his fingers on the armrest. Heinkel seemed to snap out of her stupor.

"Vhat's vrong Chief?"

Maxwell shook his head. "It's nothing…just a bit tired, that's all."

"Vhy don't you get some sleep? I'll vake you vhen ve arrive."

He nodded his head slightly before falling into a light slumber, the rocking of the train quickly putting him to sleep.

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(Back at the blood drive)

Alucard had successfully gone through fourteen of the twenty people, err, that is to say, successfully draw their blood. Now he was waiting for one Mr. Christopher Coons… With Seras hovering over his shoulder for most of the day, he was unable to get a good meal out of the people, but when she had finally decided that he was being good and left, the feasting started. Yawning slightly, he made sure to clean the excess blood off of himself before the next person (oh, who are we kidding) victim arrived.

A knock on the door indicated the arrival of said victim number fifteen.

"Come in," Alucard muttered, his voice tired. He sighed and rubbed his eyes, yawning widely.

Christopher stepped into the room, quickly closing the door. He wore a three-piece business suit. His black hair was slicked back, allowing light green-blue eyes to show though. Alucard immediately stood at attention, not knowing what he was doing. Something about this man caught his eye…

"Let's get this over with. I don't have all day."

And there it was! Alucard grinned gleefully.

"I understand perfectly," he said, walking up to him. Brisk, straight to the point…cold…

Alucard was reminded of himself. He could feel his ego inflate as he drew the unit, plus the other half. Christopher looked at him; head up so he looked down his nose.

"You have the air of a lawyer," he said, giving a half fake smile. Alucard returned it.

"And you, Sir, ARE a lawyer if I'm not mistaken…"

Christopher nodded his head slightly, sliding off the bed. "Right you are," he said before walking out. Alucard tilted his head, before grabbing the blood.

"He'd make a good vampire," the No Life King muttered, sipping the blood. Downing the rest, he glanced at the list, checking to see who was next. Not really bothering to look at the name, he glanced at the time they were supposed to show. Alucard grinned slightly; he had close to a four-hour break.

Tossing the packet into the biohazard trash bin, he cleaned the blood from his lips before walking out of the room, stretching slightly. Today wasn't really that bad of a day so far. Besides the ego-crushing apology, that is.

Even Integra came to 'visit' as she put it.

"More like checking to make sure I didn't eat anybody," he muttered darkly, sitting down on one of the waiting benches. Sunglasses pushed up, he watched the people walk by; some giving him weird looks while others totally ignored him. Stretching once more, he yawned and lay down on the bench.

If he had a four-hour break, might as well take a kip since he was supposed to be sleeping anyway. Yawning once more, he closed his eyes, quickly falling asleep.

And somewhere on a train somebody was woken up.

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How was that? Good, bad, just okay? Review and tell me your thoughts! Next chapter! Heinkel, Maxwell, and Alex abound; the Vatican makes their appearance and what's this? Father Renaldo spoke?

Also, Alucard does a little snooping and finds more than he bargains for.

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	9. Ch 8: Help us all

Disclaimer I do not own Hellsing, so you no sue - Also, I do not own the novel "Secret Fire". That belongs strictly to Johanna Lindsey.

Well, here's chapter 8. Much vampire torture and confusion! Enjoy!

Death's Integrity- Oh yes, it's much fun! Beware of the snooping vampire and romance novels…plus a vengeful Integra…they just don't mix. Enjoy!

Andersonfanandadmirier- Yep! Anderson is in this chapter and (as a special bonus) the next! Alucard gets the best of the Priest for now, but next chapter is very revenge-filled on the Vatican part…hmm…that's not a bad idea…enjoy chapter 8!

AttackingHentaiChibisLoveFluff- Well, we're going to find out what happens when you mix vampires and trashy romance novels together in this chapter. Hope you enjoy!

Alucard's Bane- Thanks for the review! I'm glad that you like the chapters and I hope you like this one as much as the others!

Alucard's secret lover- Alucard finds a bit more than what he can chew off…but it all turns out for the best, err, in the next chapter that is. Hope you like this one. Enjoy chaper 8!

MzMoon- Well, this chapter is full of Iscariot Vatican fun-ness! Heh heh…hope you like this chapter!

Me- really? Well, I hope this is what you're expecting! Enjoy chapter 8!

The Desperado- No, Alucard can't win…but he gets his revenge in the end. Yumiko doesn't really play that big of a part in this chapter, but she'll be here in the next chapter…along with a big fight.

Sors- thanks for the review! I'm glad that you love it and I hope you review this chapter as well. Enjoy!

TrunksGirlBlaze27- thanks so much for the review! I hope you like this chapter as well as the others. Enjoy chapter 8!

Eek- I'm really, really glad that you like my story! And I'm happy to hear that it makes you laugh, but don't forget to breathe! Lol. Hope you enjoy this chapter!

Well, this chapter turned out to be longer than any of the others. Hope you all enjoy. Thanks for the reviews and the hits:hugs readers and reviewers:

There is a lot of stupidity and OOC, so please don't shoot me. But it is funny. Enjoy chapter eight don't forget to review!

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Chapter 8: "Help us all…"

Alucard awoke three and a half hours later after he realized the poking in his shoulder was NOT in fact an elephant's trunk but rather Clare's pen.

"Uhhh…"

"Well, it's about time you woke up! I was trying for the past half hour. You really are a heavy sleeper you know."

Alucard reached up as though going for the lid of his coffin, but when he didn't find what he was hoping for, he sat up, covering a yawn with his hand.

"Are you even listening?"

"No, now what do you want?"

Clare blinked slightly. "Uh, yes, well, your next person will be arriving shortly. I suggest you get back to the room." Alucard stretched before looking at her, bored.

"I have 30 minutes and I plan to sleep them away…" Clare shook her head and pointed over his shoulder.

"I'm afraid you can't do that…" She glanced at the clipboard that Alucard was sure by now was glued to her hand and scribbled something. "Your next donor is here."

Alucard slowly turned around, a sudden wave of dread washing over him. Jumping up, he waved his finger wildly.

"YOU!"

Anderson looked up from a book his had been reading. Dropping it, he drew two blades.

"Ah, vampire…"

Heinkel looked at Maxwell who looked dumbfounded. "I thought ve got all of his blades, Chief…"

"So did I…that's strange…you don't think his coat is a totally different dimension, do you?"

"Vith him, anything ist possible, Sir."

"You argue a very good point, Heinkel."

"Vielen Dank, Sir." (thank you very much)

Maxwell, Heinkel, Yumiko, and Father Renaldo watched the two square off, not really wanting to get in the middle of a regenerator/vampire fight.

"Whit are ye doing here, vampire?"

Alucard glared evilly. "I could ask the same of you Judas Priest…."

"I'll send ye back tae Hell, ye heathen undeid!"

Just as the two were ready to jump at each other's throats, Father Renaldo stepped between them. Raising his hand, he slowly opened his mouth.

"Stop."

The Vatican members blinked while Alucard tilted his head, a blank look crossing his face. Even the other bystanders who had no clue what was going on or whom Father Renaldo was stopped what they were doing.

"Did he just…"

"Ja…"

"But he…"

"Uhhhh…."

Alucard was the first to break the idiotic spell that the Father had placed over them by speaking.

"You just said something."

"……………"

Alucard's eye twitched. "I'm not crazy! Well, at least not crazy enough to say I'm hearing people speak…you said something!"

Father Renaldo looked at him calmly before turning to Anderson. Walking over, he plucked the blades from his slack grip as he closed the Priest's mouth. Tucking the blades into his coat, he walked back over to Maxwell who looked like he was ready to freak out and jump off the walls. Life quite suddenly returned to normal and the Vatican and vampire looked at each other, giving a silent swear to NOT tell anybody that Father Renaldo spoke.

It was just really creepy…even worse than Anderson and his blades.

"So, whit are ye doin here, vampire," Anderson asked, snapping out of the stupor.

"Hu? Oh…uh…" Alucard muttered something as he turned away, stalking down the hall before they could question him.

Anderson looked at Maxwell who in turn looked at Heinkel who looked at Yumiko who glanced at Father Renaldo.

"…………"

"That aboot sums it up." The regenerator turned on his heels and started walking out. And he would have made it had Maxwell not grabbed the collar of his shirt and drag him down the hall.

"Come on…"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Alucard paced in the room, not wanting to look at the list. He was hoping and wishing and PRAYING that there was a mistake or that he was dreaming. Not that he dreamed, but this would be one of those times he would have welcomed it for a dream.

"Please don't let them come here, please, God…please…"

But his begging was to go unheard. Turning, he faced the enemy.

Alexander Anderson. The Vatican…

"Don tell me…"

Maxwell sighed. "Great…"

"But ve…"

Anderson looked beyond shocked.

"Let's get this over with…"

Both Anderson and Alucard stared at each other, neither moving.

"Don drink my blood, vampire."

"Don't worry…you're safe…I wouldn't want to anyways. Who knows what disease your blood carries."

"This coming from ae monster that drinks the blood o' Hellsing."

"Well, it does have a rather sweet taste."

Anderson's eye twitched. That wasn't the point! He sighed slightly before walking over to the makeshift bed, glaring at Alucard.

The Priest shoved his pride aside and sat on the gurney, sleeve rolled up. The vampire grinned manically as he grabbed the largest needle. Anderson's eyes widened at the sight.

"Ah'm having second thoughts, Maxwell…"

Alucard quickly drew Anderson's blood, grimacing slightly. This was not something he wanted to end up doing for the rest of his life…err, unlife that is to say. Finishing up, he tossed the unit onto the metal tray.

"Next," he growled softly. Everybody's eyes turned to Maxwell.

"Ah, uh. Oh, wow, look at the time…I've got to go…"

Just as the Vatican members were about to pounce on their Chief, Integra walked into the room.

"What the bloody Hell is going on?" Maxwell looked over at the Hellsing Director.

"Integra! So nice of you to show! Well, looks like we're going to go…" Integra gave him a weird look before glancing at Alucard who just shrugged.

Anderson walked up to Maxwell. "Ah got my blood drawn, it's your turn."

Integra shook her head. "I just came to get Alucard…" She looked back at the vampire. "Let's go…you can draw his blood tomorrow."

Alucard was torn. He really wanted to draw Maxwell's blood, but he didn't want to come back. The No Life King gave in to temptation.

"See you tomorrow," he said, grinning evilly at the Vatican chief.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Alucard sat down in the chair of his Master's desk, bored. They had just arrived home and while Integra and Walter were eating, he was left to his own accord. Out of his mind with boredom, he started going through her desk drawers. When he closed one of the drawers a bit too hard, a few papers slid off of her desk.

:thunk:

The vampire blinked and looked at what else had fallen. A book. Picking it up, he started to read it, not bothering to look at the title.

_ 'Her moan was caught in his mouth, trapped with his. Oh, God, she had missed him, missed the way his kisses turned her to jelly, missed the way his hands set her afire, the way his eyes could thrill her with a look. And his body, his beautiful, hard, exciting body, and what it could do to her. She had missed that too. There was no point in denying it any more. She loved making love with him. And she wanted to now.'_

Alucard's eyes widened with each sentence. Entrapped, he continued to read until-

"OH GOD NO! MASTER!" The vampire screamed and turned the book to look at the cover. 'Secret Fire'

The scream became louder as he dropped the book, falling backwards out of the chair. Scrambling, he picked himself up and pressed his body against the wall as though the book was some giant poisonous spider.

"Alucard?" Integra came running in, gun drawn, ready to fight. When she saw Alucard, the Director blinked slightly, lowering her gun. Thoroughly confused, she walked over to the cowering vampire.

"Are you alright?" Alucard turned on her.

"YOU ARE SICK! YOU ARE A SICK, SICK PERSON!"

"What are you talking about?"

At a loss for words, he simply pointed a shaking finger at the innocent yet not so innocent book lying on the floor. Integra blinked once more and picked up the book. Looking at it, she suddenly blushed deeply.

"Alucard…"

"No, no! Don't say a word about this…I don't want to know…"

"Well, it IS a romance novel."

The vampire burst out in tears. "THAT'S NOT ROMANCE! THAT'S-"

Just as he was about to finish, Integra held up her hand.

"Don't say a word about this…"

"Why?"

"Because if you do, I'll kill you."

"You can't kill me!"

"Yes I can and it's the other way around."

"Oh, right…but still! Integra! How could you?"

There was silence before…

"Are you really that desperate?"

Integra glared evilly at him as she started to slowly advance. Alucard backed away. Turning, he tried to run, but Integra quickly caught him. Tying him down in the chair that faced her desk, she sat on the table top, grinning evilly. Chuckling to herself, she opened the book.

"Chapter one, page one…'Another spring shower was in the offing, but…'" Her voice was drowned out by the vampire's screams of pain and torment.

"MASTER! STOP!"

(Three hours later…)

"'…She did. This fairy tale had come true.' The End." Closing the book, she set it down on her desk, carefully studying Alucard.

The vampire was rocking back and forth as much as possible against the tight bonds, his eyes closed. Tears were streaming down his face as a broken whimper escaped through his lips.

"Oh, it wasn't that bad," she said cheerfully. "And just think, you still have another day at the blood drive. But I'm feeling in a relatively good mood so I'm going let you have a choice. You could either work at the blood drive or listen to another novel."

It barely took a split second for him to make his decision.

"Blood drive! Blood drive!" Integra smiled happily, untying him.

"Alright. See you tomorrow!"

Alucard quickly fled from her office, still crying. (On record, it was said that Alucard had nightmares, err daymares for the next two months.)

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How was that? Good, bad, just okay? Review and tell me your thoughts! Moral of this chapter: Alucard and romance novels do NOT mix.

Next chapter! Is Alucard stable enough to draw blood? And Maxwell's up next! Along with a surprise visit from one Herr Major.

What's this? Alucard knows how to use the Internet? And those pictures…

Well, this can't be good…

Also starring: Yumiko, Heinkel, Anderson, and a Big Fight (yes…there will be seriousness, but humor will end it all!)) …………… Hope you all enjoyed this chapter!

£§£ Kitsunia £§£


	10. Ch 9: The start of Alucard’s revenge

Disclaimer I do not own Hellsing, so you no sue - Nor do I own the _Ladies Home Journal_

Well, here's chapter 9, more vampire torture and Alucard get back a bit…

TrunksGirlBlaze27- Ya, it is kind of sad. But don't worry; he gets the start of his revenge in this chapter. Enjoy!

Death's Integrity- I was just going from person experience, heh heh…No, but really, don't worry. Alucard gets back for being scared with the novel… Hope you enjoy this chapter!

Sarahlini- Thanks for the review! I'm glad that you like the story and I hope that you continue to read it!

AttackingHentaiChibisLoveFluff- Thanks! Tell you friend I'm glad they like the story. Don't worry; Alucard gets part of his revenge in this chapter. Enjoy!

MzMoon- Glad you liked the chapter! Here's chapter 9 and I hope you like it as much as the other chapters.

Devilman666- Heh heh. I never thought of it that way with Anderson's blades…that's not a bad idea.

Pyromanicgrl- Thanks for the review! Hope you enjoy chapter 9!

Alucard's secret lover- I can understand his fear of romance novels…well, hope you like this chapter and remember…this is all fun and good until someone gets hurt…then it becomes hilarious!

The Desperado- Hmm…yes, I do love to see Alucard suffer…but it's all for the humor of the fans…err, and because I get bored sometimes and it takes my mind off of stuff…heh heh. Well, here's Maxwell… :grins evilly:

Eek- Thank you for the review! I'm really pleased to hear you like it and I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Wankydoodle- Hope you didn't hurt yourself when you fell off your chair! But thanks for the review. Yes, torturing Alucard with romance novels is very funny…heh heh, enjoy chapter 9!

Thorns-and-Wind- Hmmm…I really hope she isn't…that would just be down right creepy… Thank you for the review! I hope you continue reading and enjoying!

Sorry for the lateness of the chapter. I was distracted with a few others things. Hope you all enjoy. Thanks for the reviews and the hits::hugs readers and reviewers:

There is a lot of stupidity and OOC, so please don't shoot me. But it is funny. Enjoy chapter nine don't forget to review!

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Chapter 9: "The start of Alucard's revenge" ((muahaahahahaa!))

Coat buttoned up, hat pulled down over his face, and sunglasses pushed up; Alucard slowly slunk into the Cyber Café that sat a few blocks away from the manor. Tucked under his arm were a thin black and silver laptop, a rather large envelope, and the latest issue of _Ladies Home Journal._ (everyone has their own secret obsession)

Moving over to a table that was in the back and partially in the shadows, he set the laptop down in front of him, envelope and magazine to the right. Booting up the computer he sighed, stretching his arms. He knew he should be asleep, but this was going to be worth it. Fishing around in his pocket, he drew forth a digital camera and set it on the table next to the laptop. He was glad the Police Girl showed him how to use it, that and the computer.

More specifically…the Internet.

Chuckling evilly to himself, he clicked the Internet icon, watching, bored, as it loaded. Going to the favorites, he scrolled down until he came upon the site he wanted. Grinning manically, he clicked. Tapping his fingers lightly, he hummed as the page loaded. As soon as it did, the grin adorning his face doubled in evilness.

Welcome to Master of Monster!

Alucard's personal fan site for Integra.

The vampire laughed softly, scrolling down. Updates, bio, pictures, webcam, behind the scenes, and links. Clicking on the "Log In" in the top right hand corner, he signed in. HellHound1476. Once done, he hooked up the digital camera.

Humming, he drummed softly on the table as the pictures started to download.

'Estimated time left: 45 minutes'. Sighing, he grabbed the issue of _Ladies Home Journal_, flipping though it.

"Ah, Helen Damon-Moore, what will you think of next?" The vampire quickly got lost in the articles of better house care. "How to take out the dust: permanently." 45 minutes later, Alucard checked the computer once more. Noticing that the pictures were done, he perked up. Tossing the magazine down, he began work on the pictures, uploading them to the site. Fingers flying over the keys, he changed the updates, checked for any new messages and logged out, grinning evilly.

"Nobody crosses me and gets away with it…not even you, Integra…not even you."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Integra sighed softly as she watched the vampire slowly slink back into the manor. He was up to something.

Then again, he's always up to something.

Tapping her foot, she crossed her arms tightly against her chest, glaring at the vampire. "Alright. What's going on?"

Alucard inwardly winced and slowly turned to her, giving her his best I-didn't-do-anything-so-please-don't-be-irrational-and-take-your-anger-out-on-me.

Her glared turned pure evil. "What do you have there?"

Alucard did his best to try and hide the envelope. "Nothing. I don't have blackmail………damn it…" Integra held out her hand.

"Give it here, Alucard," she said, her voice soft. The vampire slowly handed her the envelope.

"Just between you and me, she doesn't look her best…" The Director stared at him, slightly confused before opening it up and spilling the contents into her open palm.

They were pictures. Flipping through, her face reddened as she shoved the pictures back into the envelope.

"How…wh…th…"

"Take your time, I'm not really doing anything."

"But…you…HOW? I thought…but she…how did you…and…the Captain?"

Alucard yawned slightly as he listened to her splutter. When she was finally done, he grinned at her. "Yes, I couldn't resist…you know how adorable they are together…"

"A…Uh…" The vampire slowly grabbed the envelope, prying it out of her grip.

"It's ok, Integra…the shock will wear off after a few minutes."

Integra stood in the hall, total silence filling around her. Walter walked up after a few minutes, blinking slightly.

"Sir…?"

"………….."

"Sir Integra?"

"The Police Girl and the Captain play…play…DOCTOR!" At this point Integra burst into tears, the images forever burned in her mind.

Walter took a step back. He really didn't need to hear that. Then again, he really didn't need to see Integra crying. Blinking slightly, he slowly backed away, watching her carefully. Noticing that she wasn't going hug him, he turned and practically jogged out of the hall, heading for the safety of the library.

After a few hours, Alucard slowly woke, yawning. Stretching up, he reached for the lid of his coffin, but when he didn't find it, his eyes snapped open. Growling, he sat up and came face to face with a very angry Seras and Pip.

"Uh…"

"OH HOW COULD YOU, MASTER!"

"Hu?"

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU! I- I-"

Alucard slowly blinked, head tilted in confusion. "What are you…"

"These!" Pip held up the envelope, pictures partially sticking out. The vampire's eyes widened.

"Oh…"

Seras glared at him before turning and storming out, Pip right after her. Alucard sighed slightly.

Well, this day was just going to Hell.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Maxwell sighed as he waited for Alucard, thoroughly bored. He didn't really know why he was here; he glanced at Anderson, ok, maybe he did know why he was here…

But still… He glanced around. Yumiko and Heinkel had gone to the cafeteria to get some coffee, leaving just him, Anderson, and Father Renaldo. Maxwell gave the silent man a strange look. Since he had spoken, Maxwell still couldn't get over it. It was just way too weird. He shifted his gaze from Father Renaldo to Anderson. He was leaning against the wall, slowly nodding off. Maxwell slowly slipped off the table. If he was sleeping maybe-

"DAMN IT!"

All three jumped, alert at the sound of the voice. Anderson was in front of Maxwell in the blink of any eye while the Chief was looking over the Priest's shoulder.

"Yumie no!"

Maxwell blinked. Uh oh…if Yumie was awake…

"DIE YOU HEATHEN!"

"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! STOP IT!" Alucard burst into the room, shielding his head as Yumie stalked after him, Heinkel trying to pull her back.

"Yumie, stop!"

"I'LL KILL HIM!"

The vampire turned just in time to see a katana come down right where he had been standing seconds before.

"Yumie, that's enough." Maxwell crossed his arms, glaring at the Berserker. Yumie twitched slightly, glaring, but sheathed the blade anyway.

Alucard placed a hand over his heart, breathing hard. Maxwell sighed.

"Let's get this over with, shall we?" Alucard grinned evilly, finally glad that something was going right.

"Sure…just take your seat…" The vampire watched as Maxwell slowly sat on the gurney, eyeing the grin on the No Life King's face. Sliding over, the vampire got to work, cleaning and drawing his blood.

"Alright. Done."

He was able to get though Heinkel, Yumiko, and Father Renaldo without any problems. Once done, he sighed slightly.

He was hungry.

"How about a bet."

The Vatican members blinked at him. Maxwell stepped up.

"What?"

"How about a bet…I win, I get blood, you win…um…you get…"

"A lock of Integra's hair!" Anderson, Yumiko, and Heinkel looked at Maxwell strangely.

Their Chief blinked. "What?"

Alucard sighed and shook his head. Integra would kill if she heard that. "Alright…deal?"

"Sure, fine. Anderson…"

"Dinnae get mah into this!"

Maxwell glared. "Just do it!"

"Fine…fine…"

Anderson pulled out his blades, glaring as Alucard removed his guns, clicking the safety off. Smirking, the vampire raised the twin guns, aiming at the Regenerator's head. They squared off for a few seconds, a battle of the wills raging before Anderson snapped. Crouching low, he rushed the vampire, bayonets carving into the ground as he ran. Alucard jumped back as the blades were swept upward, firing off two rounds. One was dodged and the other hit its target.

Ducking down, the Judas Priest whirled, three blades thrown at the vampire. Two pierced his chest while the third nicked his cheek, imbedding itself in the wall behind him. Growling, he pulled the swords out, tossing them to the ground before moving around and firing at Anderson. The Priest blocked one of the bullets with his blades, the others either hitting their targets or the area around him.

Dodge. Slice. Fire. Dodge. Fire. Fire. Slice. Dodge.

By now the entire room had been partially destroyed, but neither cared nor did neither yield. The fight was quickly turning for the worse when it quite suddenly came to a complete dead halt.

-click- -click-

"EH!"

Both combatants slowly looked at the vampire's twin guns as Alucard continued to sluggishly pull the triggers.

It was impossible…it wasn't supposed to happen…

He had run out of bullets.

Anderson slowly looked up at the shocked vampire before bursting out in laughter, dropping his blades and falling to the floor.

Alucard just blinked. "What…eh? That's it…I quit." The vampire put the twin guns away before stalking out of the room.

Only to run into one pudgy, chocolate-loving, war-obsessed Herr Major.

The vampire screamed, jumping back. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"

"I vas to get my blood drawn…"

Shaking, Alucard slowly pulled out the list and stared at it. Sure enough, he was on there. Looking back at the crazed Nazi, he smiled, putting the list away.

"Ok, just wait on the gurney," he said, voice strangely calm. The Major blinked slowly.

Just what was happening here?

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How was that? Good, bad, just okay? Review and tell me your thoughts! A bit of a random chapter, but the next will clear things up!

Oh dear…it seems as if everything's just went from bad to worse. Poor Alucard, will he ever be able to straighten this all out?

Probably not, but he can always dream…

Next chapter! The battle is over but the war's just begun; Go Go Millennium! (hey, that rhymed!) And Walter does some surfing and finds a rather unusual site.

£§£ Kitsunia £§£


	11. Ch 10: Internet Surfing…A New Horror

Disclaimer I do not own Hellsing, so you no sue -

Well, here's chapter 10, more vampire torture and Alucard get back a bit…

insert banned review answers here 

Ya, if you can't tell, I'm NOT happy about that…

Not happy at all…

W00t! Chapter 10! Didn't think I would make it THIS far. You guys are the best:hugs to all: Sorry for the lateness of the chapter. School's been overbearing. Can I say meep? I am sooooooooo sorry for keeping everyone waiting for so long! I hope you can forgive me :bows: But, for once, I do have an adequate excuse for once! I have been working my butt off on my novel Dragon Heart and it's going to be getting published soon! I'll have more info when it comes. If you would like to learn more IM me at JustYasha

On to the story!

There is a lot of stupidity and OOC, so please don't shoot me. But it is funny. Enjoy chapter ten don't forget to review!

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Chapter 10: "Internet Surfing…A New Horror"

Walter hummed as he poured the steaming water into the awaiting teacup. As the humming grew to the height of the song, he finished the tea and walked to the library. It was his day off and he was going to use it well. A nice relaxing song and some surfing on the Internet. Yes, I know it's not something you'd expect the Hellsing Retainer to do, but after you've been through the entire library…twice, it DOES get a bit boring. And with Alucard out for the day, there was just nothing to do. So, what better way to pass the time than to surf around on some sites?

Sitting down at the heavy Victorian desk, the butler scooted up the chair as he powered up the computer. Fingers drummed lightly on the desk as he waited ever so patiently for the computer to start up. He sighed. On the next budget meeting, he'd have to talk to Integra about a new computer model. Not that this one was bad; it was just slow. Very, very slow…

-beep-

Walter looked up from the steam that slowly rose out of the cup. About time! Setting the teacup to the side, he clicked on the Internet icon. Waiting for a few seconds, he searched Google©. Since there was nothing to do, he would check the sites to see if anything Hellsing came up.

And for once, something did.

Blinking, his eyes widened as four matches came up. Not too many by someone else's standards, but that was four too many for the organization. Checking the URL, they all seemed to come from the same site. Clicking on the first one that said "new pictures", he sipped the tea, waiting for the screen to load.

"Oh dear God…" The Retainer's eyes widened even further as the pictures loaded. When they were done, he scrolled down, choking on the tea.

"S-SIR INTEGRA!"

The Director ran into the room after a few minutes, gun drawn. "Walter? What is it?"

The Retainer pointed to the computer screen dumbly. Integra looked over his shoulder, her eyes widening.

"………"

"S-Sir?"

"ALUCAAAAAAAAAARD!"

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Alucard sighed as Montana Max sat there, staring off in space. He really didn't want to do this. He really, really, really didn't want to do this… Muttering to himself, the vampire walked up to the zoned out Major. He blinked with the sudden realization that the Vatican was no longer in the room. No doubt they were no longer in the country…He was starting to wish he could leave also. Actually it was far from "starting to wish". Alucard was desperate to leave, though he didn't show it.

"Ah, so are you ready," the Major asked, not looking at him. Alucard growled softly and roughly grabbed his arm.

"Shut up…"

"OW! Let go, wampire! You're crushing my arm."

"I'll crush more than you arm if you don't shut it."

"Are you threatening me?"

"No, I'm making a promise."

"Oh, vell, in that case- HEY!"

"You…are…one…HUGE imbecile." ((hah, hah, slight weight joke…ok, I'm done))

"I haf not heard that one for a vhile."

"Uh hu….now, back on the subject….Just what are you doing here, anyway?"

"Vhat does it look like?"

"………"

"You asked."

"Ok, I meant to say, WHY are you here. Don't they have blood drives in Germany?"

"Ah, ja, they do. There's this chocolate festival going on and ve decided to attend."

"W-We?"

"Don't vorry…I'm the only one that came. Nobody else vanted to go vith me…"

Alucard heaved a huge sigh of thanks. Working quickly, he drew blood from Montana's arm, swearing that it had a black tinge to it. Just as the German was about to walk out of the small room, Integra came running in, gun drawn and pointed at Alucard's chest.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!"

Alucard blinked. "What are- HEY!"

Integra started shooting repeatedly at him, jumbled words escaping her lips. The vampire dodged around her and clung to Montana's arm.

"MAKE HER STOP!"

"GET BACK HERE, YOU BLOODY VAMPIRE! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

Alucard grinned sheepishly from behind the Major's arm. "Can't kill what's already dead, Integra…"

"GRAAAAAH!"

Alucard screamed when Integra started shooting at him again. The Nazi ducked down behind the bed as a bullet grazed his cheek. "Vatch it!"

The vampire turned and started running down the hall, tears streaming down his cheeks. "STOOOOOP!"

Integra chased after him, reloading her gun. "YOU'RE DEAD!"

The Major slowly looked at Walter as the butler walked into the room.

"Vhat is going on vith her?"

Walter sighed. "It seems as though Alucard learned how to use the Internet…"

"And."

"And he created a website…"

"And."

"And the website is about her…"

"And."

"And, oh, bloody Hell do I have to spell it out for you? He made a website about her and it has some certain pictures."

There was a slight pause.

"And."

Walter blinked. "I…w-well, I don't really know how to explain it any better…"

"And."

Walter twitched slightly and just stared at the Major. "The site…with the pictures…it can't get any plainer than that…"

Once more there was a pause. Montana opened his mouth and Walter quickly held up his hands.

"No, please…no more…"

"And."

Walter sighed and shook his head. "There is NOTHING else…"

The Major coughed slightly. "Can I see the pictures," he muttered under his breath.

"Excuse me?"

Nothing!"

"Uh hu…"

However, before Walter to question any further, Integra came back, dragging a bloodied, bullet-ridden, unconscious vampire behind her, looking triumphant.

"When he awakes, tell him, I DEMAND he take down the website or I shall make the rest of his unlife a living Hell," she snapped before dropping him onto the floor and walking off.

Walter blinked and watched her leave. "Oh dear," he muttered, looking at Alucard. The vampire was slowly bleeding onto the clean floor and Walter had to resist the urge to clean. It was still his day off and he was going to use it well.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Alucard awoke some time later to the sounds of a muffled voice and someone shaking his shoulder.

"Oh my God! Sir! Are you ok?"

The vampire slowly sat up, rubbing his head, wincing in pain when his fingers brushed against a knot. "Ah…ow…" He blinked and looked up into the concerned face of Clare, who was bending over him. She hauled him to his feet, frowning.

"What happened? It looked like you got mugged!"

Alucard shook his head, his vision swimming with the sudden adjustment in his altitude. "I ah…I don't remember…"

Clare's frown deepened and she checked him over, making sure that nothing was too seriously damaged. Alucard watched her curiously, a calm expression on his features.

"Well, you don't seem to be hurt too much. Just a few scratches and bruises, but those should heal quickly."

"Thanks…"

"Maybe you should go home for the rest of the day. I can take care of the rest of the list. You'll just come back tomorrow."

Alucard nodded his head dumbly as he stumbled slightly out the door. He has a nasty feeling that there would be no tomorrow.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Integra paced in front of her desk, muttering darkly to herself. Walter had come and gone already with her tea, however she was far too upset to take notice that he had even been there.

"That beast," she snarled, grabbing a cigar from her desk and lighting it. She shook the match out vigorously, pretending it was what would be left of Alucard once she got her hands on his throat.

"Ah…Master…"

Integra stopped her pacing and slowly looked up at Alucard, who was meekly peeking through the wall.

"Get…in…here…now…" She hissed though clenched teeth. Alucard gulped and slid into the room, standing in front of the Director.

Integra started to pace once more, muttering darkly to herself while Alucard stood at attention, fidgeting slightly. Without warning, she whirled on him, grabbed his tie and pulled him down so their noses were touching.

"WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, YOU BLOODY VAMPIRE," she snarled, ice blue eyes filled with rage.

Alucard tugged against her, hoping to escape her wrath before she started shooting at him again.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he growled back, the tips of his fangs showing. Integra's eyes narrowed and she dragged him around to her desk where the computer had been set up.

"This," she stated, shoving his face into the screen. Alucard pulled back a bit to get a better look before a grin broke out on his face. He turned his head, trying to hide his smile, but Integra caught it and she cuffed him over the head rather violently.

"WELL?"

"Ah, I can explain," he said cheekily, glancing back at her.

"It'd better be good or so help me God I will seal your butt!"

Alucard's ruby eyes widened. He guessed that she would be angry, but he didn't anticipate her being this angry.

"Master, isn't that going a bit far? You don't have to threaten-"

"Oh, its no threat, Alucard. It's a promise. I SWEAR to you!"

"Ok," he started slowly, watching her eye twitch with rage. "Why don't I…delete the site?"

"YOU BETTER!"

"And the other pictures…"

Integra froze in place, staring at him. She blinked a few times. "What other pictures?"

The vampire drew away from the Director, who was shaking slightly. "I, um…mean…ah…"

"GAH!" She grabbed the silver ashtray from her desk and beamed him in the head. "YOU ARE AN IDIOT!"

"OW!" Alucard ducked another blow, covering his head. "Master! Stop," he pleaded, eyes wide.

"DELETE IT!"

The No Life King jumped slightly and slid into the chair. He muttered darkly before letting his fingers fly over the keyboard. All that hard work…the many years of sneaking pictures and it was all going to be destroyed in a matter of seconds. Integra stood over his shoulder, her arms crossed tightly against his chest.

"All of it, Alucard," she muttered, chewing on her cigar. Alucard rolled his eyes and received a slap on the back of his head.

"Ack!"

"I saw that…now, don't forget the pictures…" Alucard's eye twitched and he moved on, deleting the site and pictures.

"There," he growled after a few minutes. He turned to glare coldly at Integra. "They're gone…"

Integra nodded her head slightly. "So, where did you learn to use the Internet, Alucard?"

Alucard shrugged slightly.

"The Police Girl."

Integra blinked. "Why would she teach you to use the Internet?"

Alucard opened his mouth to respond, and evil grin on his face, but Integra raised her hand to silence him, sighing.

"Better yet, I really don't want to know…"

Alucard shrugged and leaned back in the chair, fiddling with his tie. "So, now what?"

"Now, you go get some sleep…I'm extending your punishment."

Alucard rose to his feet, glaring. "WHAT? Why," he whined, shoulders slumped.

"BECAUSE OF THE PICTURES AND SITE!"

Alucard whimpered pitifully, glaring. "Fine," he hissed, moving to leave.

"Oh, and you're also going to be taking the Police Girl with you tomorrow."

"NOOOOO!"

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How was that? Good, bad, just okay? Review and tell me your thoughts! Hope this chapter was less random than the previous!

Terribly sorry for such the long delay. Next chapter will be out shortly. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and don't forget to review!

Next chapter! It seems as if the end was here but no! Now Seras must get involved! And what a time it will be. More humans, blood, and excitement to come! And Walter finds something at the blood drive that has some rather interesting results…Fan girls get ready!

£§£ Kitsunia £§£


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